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楼主: tina_aya

Please help me review this essay and give my comment...

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发表于 2005-9-26 03:30:00 | 显示全部楼层

是要你描述职业环境,不是问你要做些什么


只要说明企业和行业状况


你将担任的职务就可以了


[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-26 3:31:16编辑过]
发表于 2005-9-26 11:33:00 | 显示全部楼层
看不明白你到底是要回原来公司呢, 还是要去个新的公司.
[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-26 11:36:09编辑过]
发表于 2005-9-27 01:06:00 | 显示全部楼层
After having graduated, I will come back to Giftex Corporation Ltd. to continue its development.
~~~~~~~~~~ 你还没进呢,就完成时态了?                                               ~~~~~what development?

                                                                                                                                


Using the knowledge and skill to achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest
amount of resources and labor and expand out operations into the world.

                                                ~~~ 后面有动词,and前面地动词跑哪里去了?

                                               ~~~~achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest
                                                          amount of resources------ one word can explain everything OPTIMIZE!!!

After having plentiful
textile expression, I wish to join a renowned haberdashery brand name company.
~~~~~~~~~ what the hell does this mean?    ~~~~~~~~~ Wish更多是虚拟的意思


With my specialization in garments and marketing skill,
~~~~~~~~~~~ you specialize in marketing or marketing skill?


I believe that I will be able to understand more about the company's image,
helping the company to create a marketing strategy in
line with its brand name and to make tailor-made and suitable clothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~好好读读语法书里的平行结构!!!


some comments:

1. Have you passed TOEFL and GMAT?

2. You have a long way to go to make up a readable article with just minor grammar mistakes.

3. I strongly suggest you to put off your MBA plan. Professors won't give a damn to your

    paper if I assume that you can be accepted.

4. Spend at least one year to go over high school English grammar, such as 动名词,动词不定式,

    各种从句, 平行结构, 虚拟语气等等。


It is too early to give any comments on whether you can convince adcom that you are the best candidate for MBA.

The first step is to make solid steps on improving your English.


No offense, but 脚踏实地 is the word I want to give you.
发表于 2005-9-27 03:52:00 | 显示全部楼层
楼主妹妹,楼上swinerton评价很中肯。语言不行就算是被录取了也是害了你自己,我见过这样的例子。我不是在讽刺,只是真地想问问,你考过GMAT了?你的问题不只是在英语水平,还有思维方式。多去想想adcom为什么这么问,为什么是5句话,考虑一下5句话的顺序以及准备在每句话里面说的内容,要承上启下!不要人家问你吃过饭没有,你就说吃了。你要说,刚吃过,明天节食,大后天出差,反正这礼拜没时间和你约会。
发表于 2005-9-27 12:24:00 | 显示全部楼层

I strongly agree with 楼上二位. There is still a long way to go if you plan to pursue your MBA studies. You need to improve you writing ability. As is known, essay is only the first step, and there will be a lot of case write-ups and presentations during your MBA studies. If you do not have excellent communication skills, you will not survive .


I have read your essay. Still a lot of mistakes and Chinglish structures. 也许我说的不太客气,但这是事实。

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