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【MBA老板】推荐信原稿和改后稿
Mr. Jing Ji, a student from Tsinghua University, has asked me to recommend him for graduate study in Economics at your university. I am happy to do so.
The international trade between China and U.S.A develops rapidly these years. There are a lot of materials about it that need sorting out, especially before the visit of President Jiang to America.（因为前面没有铺垫，这几句话显得比较突兀，让人不知这和被推荐人有什么直接联系。） We needed some more people who has excellent English and has leaned Economics to do this. Mr. Jing is fit for it. He passed the interview and worked in our Department from September to November in 1997. His main work is to sort out and classify the valuable things from large quantity of materials under the direction of my colleagues. This work is boring and niggling and many of the materials are written in English. But Mr. Jing did it very conscientiously without any complaint and never made a mistake. His good English made his well qualified with this job. Though he didn't know many technical terms in the beginning, he asked us about them and tried to remember them at noon. He also at noon studied hard the knowledge about international trade. He often copy some of the non-confidential documents to study at home. Once, I saw him study by the table with his eyes unable to open. I let him rest for this noon. But he said that the chance to study in Ministry of Foreign Trade & Economic Corporation is hard to get, he must make full use of time to study the materials here. I was impressed by him deeply. Half a month later, he can do the work independently. We all appreciate his good work.（这段文字最大的问题是结构混乱，在一段中包含了太多的内容，应该分作几段，意思就会清晰得多。）
I think he deserved the best education because of his high ability and hardworking spirit. I hope that after his graduate study in America, he can make benefit to the international trade between China and America.
Sincerely,
Da Guan
Director General of Department of American & Oceanian Affairs
Ministry of Foreign Trade & Economic Cooperation
The People's Republic of China
所谓的改后稿件
Dear Sir or Madam:
Mr. Jing Ji, a student from the Tsinghua University, the most respected institution of higher education in this country,has asked me to recommend him for graduate studies in economics at your university. I take pleasure in doing so.
Mr. Jing worked as an intern in my department between September and November of 1997, with the responsibility of sorting out documentary materials partly in preparation for President Jiang's visit to the United States. As the US is China's largest trading partner, the amount of our material relating to the Sino-US trade was really hefty. We needed someone who was responsible, well versed in economics and knew English well to help us. Mr. Jing easily met our requirements and worked with us for three months under the direction of my colleagues and myself.
His main task was to sort out and catalogue the valuable documents, according to prescribed standards, from a huge quantity of materials. The work was boring but challenging at the same time, as some of the documents were in English. Mr. Jing performed his duties diligently and conscientiously, without ever making any complaints or mistakes. His command of English helped him. Although he was not familiar with some of the technical terms in the beginning, he quickly learned them well by asking us for their meanings and then memorizing them. During the lunch hour, he was often seen studying books in international trade. To relate what he learned from the books to what he was doing, he took home copies of some of the non-confidential documents to study. He would not rest even when he was evidently very tired, saying that working in Ministry of Foreign Trade & Economic Cooperation was a precious learning experience to him and he must make full use of the opportunity. After half a month of training, he started to do the work independently. We were all very impressed by his eagerness to learn and highly appreciated the quality work he did for us.
Mr. Jing deserves the best education he can get. With his intelligence and hardworking spirit, I think he will do well as a graduate student in the United States. I would greatly appreciate it if you could admit him. I am sure that he will be able to contribute to the expansion of international trade between China and America.
Sincerely,
Da Guan
Department of American & Oceanian Affairs
Ministry of Foreign Trade & Economic Cooperation
The People's Republic of China
个人认为修改的很一般， 一点想法和大家分享：
1、不具体， 没突出leadership, communication等方面的能力；
2、语言粗糙， 很多地方不怎么顺口；
3、段落层次很不清楚， 没段落重点句子
Discussion welcome
[此贴子已经被作者于2005-7-1 2:21:37编辑过] | 
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发表于 2005-7-1 02:20:00
