(AA86)AA处女作，NN们提下建议吧

The following appeared as part of an article in the business section of a daily newspaper.

`Company A has a large share of the international market in video-game hardware and software. Company B, the pioneer in these products, was once a $12 billion-a-year giant but collapsed when children became bored with its line of products. Thus Company A can also be expected to fail, especially given the fact that its games are now in so many American homes that the demand for them is nearly exhausted.

This argument asserts that Company A can be expected to fail.To support the argument ,the author  points out the fact that its the Company A's games are now in many American homes and that the demand for then is exhausted.In addition, the author also cites that the Company B which is the pioneer in video-game hardware and software collapsed when children became bored with its line of products.At first glance, the argument appears to be somewhat convincing ,but close scrutiny of this evidence reveals that it leads little credible support for the author's argument.

On the one hand, the author commits a fallacy of false analogy.The author unwarrantly assume that Company A and Company B are the same in all the aspects.However, it is possible that Company A has much more efficient and powerful management which can save the company from difficulties. If it is the case,Company A is not likely to collapse.Or perhaps, the customers of Company A are adults who do not become bored with the company's line of  products.In short,lacking evidence that conditions of the two companies are relevantly  similar, the author can not convince me on the base of Company B's experience that Company A would have the same experience.

On the other hand,the author' argument rests on the assumption that the demand is exhausted because Company A'games are is so many American homes.However, commonsense tells us that this may be not the case. Perhaps, Company A can develop many novel products which never exist before and is necessary for work.If so,the demand for them can not be exhausted.Or perhaps,many American homes are likely to change their old and outdated video-game hardware and software.Without ruling out these and other possibilities , the author's argument is open to doubt.

To sum up, the author's evidence leads to little support to her claim.To persuade me that Company A can be expected to fall,the author would need to provide clear evidence that  conditions of the two companies are relevantly  similar.Moreover. to better evaluate the author's claim we should need more information that the demand is exhausted because Company A'games are in so many American homes.（用时1 h)

有几个问题：

1。AA字数是不是越多越好？是不是上400字就达到字数要求了？

2。Company B, the pioneer in these products, was once a $12 billion-a-year giant but collapsed when children became bored with its line of products 这句话有错没？可不可以用无因果或者他因批？

谢谢指教哈，我作文很烂，担心的很

1）字数上没有问题，400可以了

2）个人认为这句话没有什么逻辑错误

3）建议作者，看看相关范文，然后再润色一篇，贴上来大家讨论，看看进步在哪里。

那斑竹觉得我那些地方需要润色，我基本都是照模版写的，不知道该怎么改了

今天又写了一篇，斑竹大人多提点哦

9 The following appeared in the opinion column of a financial magazine.

`On average, middle-aged consumers devote 39 percent of their retail expenditure to department store products and services, while for younger consumers the average is only 25 percent. Since the number of middle-aged people will increase dramatically within the next decade, department stores can expect retail sales to increase significantly during that period. Furthermore, to take advantage of the trend, these stores should begin to replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer.~

The author of this argument claims that stores should begin the replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumers with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumers. To support the argument, the author cites certain statistics about the retail expenditure of  middle-aged consumers and younger consumers to their department store products and services. The author also points out that the number of middle-aged people will increase within the next decade.At first glance, this argument appears to be somewhat convincing, yet close scrutiny of its evidence reveals that it lends little support to the author’s assertion.

In the first place,the author fails to provide information about the exact amount of the two groups' retain expenditure. Lacking such crucial information, it is likely that the young consumers spend a much larger amount of money on their retail expenditure than the middle-aged consumers do.If this is the case, the fact that middle-aged consumers devote more percent of their retail  expenditure can not guarantee the author's conclusion.

In the second place, the author's recommendation rests on the dubious assumption that statistics about the expenditure of both groups to their department store products and services applies equally to every different stores in different regions. Common sense informs me that this assumption is a poor one. Perhaps the stores in a certain city only have younger customers; or perhaps the middle-aged consumers in this city only spend 5 percent of their retail expenditure to department store products and services. Without ruling out this and other possibilities, the author's recommendation is open to doubt.

In the final place, the author unfairly assumes that replacing some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer would by itself increase the retail sales in stores. Lacking evidence that this is the case, it is quite possible that the replacement would not suffice itself. For example, stores may also do some promotion or advertising; otherwise, the replacement will not be sufficient. In short, unless the author can show that the replacement will be effectively implemented and received, I can not accept the proposed course of action.

To sum up ,this argument is not compelling as it stands.To convince us that stores should begin to replace some of this products intended to attract the younger consumers with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer, the author should provide information about the exact amount of the two groups' retain expenditure.To better evaluate the argument, we should also need information that the statistics about the expenditure of both groups to their department store products and services applies equally to every different stores in different regions and that  replacing some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer would by itself  increase the retail sales in stores.

写得不错！我只发现第一行，begin the 应该是begin to 吧！应该是手误。

只要pace没有问题，mm可以放心迎战了。长句很多，魔板看上去准备得也挺细的。

加油！

太谢谢斑竹大人了，我真的很担心我的作文，害怕又象T那样，我会发点ISSUE上来的，还请斑竹大人多指教哦！