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第一次写AA,请大家多多批评指正,大谢!AA006 <----happy更改标题,见谅!

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楼主
发表于 2005-9-1 18:51:00 | 只看该作者

第一次写AA,请大家多多批评指正,大谢!AA006 <----happy更改标题,见谅!

是AA的第6题,因为不知道写哪篇好,就检了个黄金80篇中的一个,初次写,大家见笑了,谢谢大家指正!


6. The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life.
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”


The conclusion endorsed in this argument is that Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. The basis for this argument is that Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. An additional reason given in support of this argument is that Helios is the industrial center of the region and historically it has provided more than its share of the region's  manufacturing jobs.The author also cites that Helios is planning to attract companies  to  expand its economic base as an example to support this argument.And we do not need to look very far to see how groudeless the argument is .After careful examination,we can know this argument commits several logical faults that are addressed below.


In the first place, this argument rests on the gratuitous assumption that corporations should look to the city Helios because its unemployment rate is lower than  regional average even in the recent cession.However,there is no any evidence to support this assumption.Moreover, it is possible ,there is some other city that had much lower unemployment than Helios.Therefore, lack such evidence,we can not agree that lower unemployment in Helios can be the reason for corporations to look to the city of Helios.Furthermore, there is also a possibility that corporaions may  not find enough worker who can work for them just because of the low unemployment.In a word ,the corporations can not look to city of Helios just because of the low unemployment .


In the second place, the author wrongly assumes that corporations should look to the city of Helios in that it is the industrial center of the region and has provided more than its share of the region's manufacturing jobs.However,the author negelects that the space of the city of Helios may not be enough for corporations to move in ,just because it is a industrial center of the region and has over much more corporations in it.Therefore,without rule out such possibility ,the argument is unwarranted.


In the third place, the author unfairly assumes that just becaue Helios is attracting companies in order o  expand its economic base , corporations should look to the city of Helios.The author does not show us what  dvantages Helios will give to the new corporations ,such as low taxes or low rent for houses.Without giving such benefits ,the author can not come to this argument, for no corporation will look to the city of Helios in purpose to expand Helios's economic base.


To conclude, since the author commits the above mentioned logical mistakes and fails to consider the whole situation comprehensively, his ideas should not be adopted.The author fails to provide adequate justificaiton for corporaitons should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location because of the low unemployment of Helios.As it stands ,the reasoning does not consititute a logical argument in favor of the argument.To make this argument logically acceptable,the author would have to show more precise information about how would the Helios provide benifits to new comers in order to expand its economic base.In addtion to solidify the conclusions,the author should provide concrete evidence as well to demonstrate that industrial region as it is ,the Helios can provide more opportunities to new coming corporations.Only with more convincing evidence could this argument become more than just an emontional appeal.


沙发
发表于 2005-9-1 22:23:00 | 只看该作者

作为处女作的话很不错了,提几点供你参考:


在第一段引述或者归纳作者reasoning line的时候应该顺带使用批判性词汇,这样才能smoothly引出“And we do not need to look very far to see how groudeless the argument is”,否则感觉很生硬,套用魔板痕迹明显


驳斥的第一段逻辑混乱。在这里首先要challenge低失业率跟公司选址无直接关系。失业率低于地区平均水平是客观的,so what?为什么有利于start business here?这里引申出一个大问题,即我们平时在使用魔板的时候往往是AA只准备一个魔板,外加几个救命用的例子。而实际上有必要针对七宗罪、或者其中你认为使用最为顺手的几宗罪单独准备段落魔板。如你使用的魔板是前人在论坛上发布比较多的常用AA魔板之一,第一段驳斥原本是针对gratuitous/oversimplified/unwarranted/groundless assumption的,而本文在这里实际应当应用第一宗罪,即无因果关系。你硬套上去不觉得有些不顺么?这也解释了为什么套用同样的魔板,得分却相差很多。


第二、三段驳斥写的不错,至少开头驳斥的方向是对的。结尾对魔板的套用也比较工整。二、三段中都用作者assume不好。assume有假设也有认为之意,放在这里既重复又容易产生歧义。


另外在第一段归纳的时候,要特别注意作者argue的思路。仔细研究所有的AA题目不难发现,有时候作者是通过假设一步一步引申出自己结论的(例如AA41),这时候在驳斥时也最好抓住原有的假设,从主要到次要一环一环的攻击。有时候作者argue的思路本身就很混乱,不具逻辑性。例如本文,东扯一句西扯一句,这时候就只能各个击破。但这样做的同时就意味着你无法套用目前已有的普通魔板(因为大多数适用于第一种情况)。


最后需要说明的是,真正的阅卷人是没有时间去认真看你的reasoning是否逻辑的。也就是说,如果你无法做到像我说的那样每一段都准确无误的攻击其缺点的话,其实不一定会十分影响你的成绩,但是至少每段的开头你要清楚地表明你攻击的切入点,里面的内容则可以compromise一下,无伤大雅。


供你参考咯,加油,各位NN也多提意见。

板凳
 楼主| 发表于 2005-9-1 22:36:00 | 只看该作者

谢谢!!!好感谢!!!我一定多多加油!谢谢批评指正!



地板
 楼主| 发表于 2005-9-2 07:39:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用tomwalkson在2005-9-1 22:23:00的发言:

在第一段引述或者归纳作者reasoning line的时候应该顺带使用批判性词汇


想问下,第一段最好是引述作者的reasoning line 好呢?还是归纳,用自己的话说好呢?


驳斥的第一段逻辑混乱。在这里首先要challenge低失业率跟公司选址无直接关系。失业率低于地区平均水平是客观的,so what?为什么有利于start business here?这里引申出一个大问题,即我们平时在使用魔板的时候往往是AA只准备一个魔板,外加几个救命用的例子。而实际上有必要针对七宗罪、或者其中你认为使用最为顺手的几宗罪单独准备段落魔板。如你使用的魔板是前人在论坛上发布比较多的常用AA魔板之一,第一段驳斥原本是针对gratuitous/oversimplified/unwarranted/groundless assumption的,而本文在这里实际应当应用第一宗罪,即无因果关系。你硬套上去不觉得有些不顺么?这也解释了为什么套用同样的魔板,得分却相差很多。


恩,眼光很犀利嘛,恩,当时刚写的时候的确思维有点混乱,面对这么多错误,不知从何下手,不知道先写哪个好......恩,一定注意,谢谢!


二、三段中都用作者assume不好。assume有假设也有认为之意,放在这里既重复又容易产生歧义。


那加个wrongly 如何?


另外在第一段归纳的时候,要特别注意作者argue的思路。仔细研究所有的AA题目不难发现,有时候作者是通过假设一步一步引申出自己结论的(例如AA41),这时候在驳斥时也最好抓住原有的假设,从主要到次要一环一环的攻击。有时候作者argue的思路本身就很混乱,不具逻辑性。例如本文,东扯一句西扯一句,这时候就只能各个击破。但这样做的同时就意味着你无法套用目前已有的普通魔板(因为大多数适用于第一种情况)。


恩,是!



[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-2 7:42:14编辑过]
5#
发表于 2005-9-2 11:49:00 | 只看该作者
6#
 楼主| 发表于 2005-9-2 17:55:00 | 只看该作者
谢谢
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