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考前倒数练笔之四 AI012 再指点指点-Education and individual opportunity -Zeros修改标题

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楼主
发表于 2005-5-8 16:53:00 | 只看该作者

考前倒数练笔之四 AI012 再指点指点-Education and individual opportunity -Zeros修改标题

12、“Education has become the main provider of individual opportunity in our society. Just as property and money once were the keys to success, education has now become the element that most ensures success in life.”




Issue 12


Concerning the issue about which factor offers more opportunities for success in our society: education or money and property? Many people argues that education has become the most important factor that underlay a success. Others may hold some different perspectives. However , as far as I am concerned, education has no doubt constituted an imperative part of success , while other factors are of the same important , if not more. I will substantiate my viewpoint from following aspects.


In the first place, education teach people how to learn. As in today’s ever-changing society, one must be quickly responsive to the changes around. No textbook can contain everything that one will encounter in the real world. Thus, the ability to learn plays an significant role in becoming success. Just to mention one examples for tens-of-thousands classical ones. In IT realm, where the metabolism of knowledge is at a incredible fast speed, something newborn last month may be quite out-molded next month., much less the knowledge in textbooks. The inability to learn may reduce one to the edge of survival. Obviously , the most important skill to earn a living is provided by education., which is also the primary focus of education.


What is more, education helps people discriminate right from wrong. From time to time , people feel confused by the increasingly complex world. The border between right and wrong is blur and weak. Only with adequate education can one be better inform about the complexity and make out the right track.. here goes another examples, most top managers in big organization own MBA degree, and many staffs who aim to become a top manager apply for virous business schools. It is by no means a coincidence, as some may argue, because empirical evidence have make it clear that the more a manager is educated in business, the better he operates  the company.


Admittedly, many other factors also contribute a lot to success, such as indigenes and persistence. Numerous cases have suggested that success is not a destination but a process, in which  various elements are interrelated to each other.

Given all the reasons listed above, which sometimes interwined to form a organic whole, and thus become more persuasive. We may safely arrive at the conclusion that by conferring people what they need to survive in the world , education has become one of the most important elements in success.

沙发
发表于 2005-5-8 17:40:00 | 只看该作者

第二行:many people argues ,people复数名词;

I will substantiate my viewpoint from the following aspects. from & in, which is better? discuss..

education teach people how to learn.  觉得这句有点怪怪的

something newborn last month may be quite out-molded next month., 用what如何?

Obviously , the most important skill to earn a living is provided by education., which is also the primary focus of education. WHICH修饰是EDUCATION?

many staffs who aim to become a top manager 不一致吧

只是些个人意见,第一次帮别人看作文,不对的地方请见谅!加油!呵呵

板凳
 楼主| 发表于 2005-5-8 18:06:00 | 只看该作者
谢谢airsigh MM, 细节问题偶一项都容易忽视。看来得在身上刻字来提醒了
地板
发表于 2005-5-8 21:56:00 | 只看该作者

呵呵,blueshandy干吗那么着急考啊,假以时日分数将不可限量啊!进步很大!

说说以前没有说过的问题吧:

1这篇的观点你选的挺好的,但是整个安排我觉得有点问题哦。你是说教育和其他因素同等重要尤其是你在开篇说了这样一句However , as far as I am concerned, education has no doubt constituted an imperative part of success , while other factors are of the same important , if not more. I will substantiate my viewpoint from following aspects.那么结构和你的中心要对等.我觉得你的二三两段应该压缩成一段.而第四段要展开一下.

2当语言准确之后就要简洁了,one must be quickly responsive to the changes around

这句完全可以改成one must quickly respond to ...

至于语法airsigh评的很对哦!不过我觉得用from the following aspects 是可以的

加油啊!

5#
 楼主| 发表于 2005-5-9 08:17:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用judydongxueni在2005-5-8 21:56:00的发言:

呵呵,blueshandy干吗那么着急考啊,假以时日分数将不可限量啊!进步很大!


偶也8想这么早考的说,可是钱早早就寄出去了。真实体验到什么叫做拿钱打水漂,还连个声儿都没有。


说说以前没有说过的问题吧:


1这篇的观点你选的挺好的,但是整个安排我觉得有点问题哦。你是说教育和其他因素同等重要尤其是你在开篇说了这样一句However , as far as I am concerned, education has no doubt constituted an imperative part of success , while other factors are of the same important , if not more. I will substantiate my viewpoint from following aspects.那么结构和你的中心要对等.我觉得你的二三两段应该压缩成一段.而第四段要展开一下.


厉害,被看穿了,我第四段突然不知道该写些什么东东上去,所以就一笔代过了。哎,没有对自己负责啊


2当语言准确之后就要简洁了,one must be quickly responsive to the changes around


这句完全可以改成one must quickly respond to ...


至于语法airsigh评的很对哦!不过我觉得用from the following aspects 是可以的


加油啊!



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