Anthony Summer的写作贴~~~互帮互助共同进步啊!~~~~~求狠狠的批~~~~~????????????????????????????

kiddy72

The lecture and the reading passage hold completely different views toward buzzing advertisement, point it will hide the truth of the product, harm consumers' feeling and loss trust between people.point后是想说reading的观点的话是不是该写下主语~

First, the student hold opinion that what you heard from the buzz is just paid advertising, which may well give a person incorrect information about the buzzed product,这里另起一句 the student points out that the company hired him to buzz the phone call service is去掉is because he isdose really like the service. He wants everyone knows how good this service is.

The second problem in the reading concerning those buzzers will pretend to be private individuals that will make consumer less critically about the empty descriptions. The student hold an opposite opinion, customer will ask lots of questions such as price, quality of the buzzed product.

The student points out the concern that the final problem raised in the reading material - people we meet socially may be buzzers with a hidden agenda, and we will become less trustful ofto people. Buzzer will spread of mistrust and the expectation of dishonesty. He argues that a company with a bad product will not hire a buzzer. Consumers will not trust you If you only use simple words to describe the product and not sincere. If consumer loves the product you buzzed, and have good experience, customers will tend to be more trustful and open to people.

请多指教～

AnthonySummer

10.9

It's more important for the government to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational devices (such as swimming pool, playgrounds)



In my opinion, construction spend of Art Museum and music performance center are much more expensive than recreational devices. Some local government cannot afford the cost. Great percentage of local people willing to go play tennis or go to swim with family instead of appreciating modern art that we cannot understand. Art and music performance show is not for everyone but everybody needs daily excise. So I prefer that the government builds more gym or playground for our daily need. Simultaneously, museum requires continuous investment of its collection. Sometimes, one piece of a classic collection would equal to the same cost of building a local swimming pool. I think it was just unworthy. For long term consideration, maintain a museum would be very expensive. I suggest the government can use the gym or inside playgrounds to exhibit art collection. It is impossible to excise inside museum, but they have no psychology difference to enjoy an art performance inside the gym.

To solve the problem that the local community has no museum or chance to enjoy an exhibition nearby their home. A temporary art exhibition can provide local community an excellent opportunity improve their art appreciation level and enhance their knowledge meantime it saves the extraordinary cost of museum construction and art collection, creating a win-win strategy.

Otherwise, people need a place to excise more often and important than an art or a musical performance. I will go to swim almost every day, but normally I would go to the museum once a month. So did most of my friends. Not because we live in the metropolitan- Shanghai, but because we are young and have more energy to release. Through swimming I feel both peaceful of mind and body. I feel I am a fish comes back to mother ocean. We need more exercise when we grow old. At gym, we can exhibit a nutrition speech even offers a real-time show next booth such as dance performance or basketball show.

In one conclusion, gym is more useful and cost economical than museum and music performance center, so the government should take more consideration of building recreational devices over museum and music performance.

AnthonySummer

10.12
The most important characteristic of a politician or a leader is the good communication skill.

I still remember how they judge Candidate Obama when he runs the US president election in 2008. He knows how to communicate to the public. Tell them what they what to hear. He catches everyone’s attention. He made a lot of great speech. I was touched even I came from Mainland China. All the Newspaper though he is a new political star because he can make a great speech to catch the publican and win their vote. Citizens were walking on the street to celebrate a great president can speak for them. Finally, Obama won the president election and become the first black President of United States, simultaneous, one of the youngest presidents.

I read his book “My father’s dream”. In the book he shared how he were traveling around the country and giving a speech to different group. He came from an ordinary family and down to earth so he had first-hand experience to communicate with ordinary citizens in a right way. I always though good communication skill was the most important characteristic of a politician or a leader. That was how Obama did and finally win the batter, even he never became a solider or have actually experience to manage a city or state or other basic element to run the campaign.

Henceforth, to know what your target’s thought become the first priority. A good communication skill can help us win our customer’s or boss’s trust at workplace if you knew what they thought, and gave them aid at the first time. Providing a best quality service can help us won customer’s loyalty, then bring a lot of profit to the company. This win-win strategy would enhance the chance to be promoted to become a leader, because you were the most valuable assets to the customers and the employers. They cannot work without you because of your talent communication skill.

Through communicating with employee, a leader can judge the situation and knew the first-hand information to solve the problem, better your communication skill was, and sooner the problem can be solved.

AnthonySummer

Tpo 22

The lecture objects to the statements mentioned in the reading passage, the professor said that growing process of planet will absorb carbon dioxide, and it would not influence source of food for animals and the price would finally decrease.

First, the professor point out that the growing process of a plant would absorb the carbon dioxide as its nutrition, and it will neutralize the carbon dioxide after it made into gas released. This objects to the passage’s opinion – ethanol fuel would not help to solve one of the biggest environmental problems caused by gasoline use: global warming.

Lately, the professor mentioned that ethanol can be made from cellulose, since most animal didn't eat cellulose so there would be no effect to reduce the amount of plants available for animal’s food supply. It against the passages said 10 percent of the fuel needs would consume 60 percent of the corn currently grown in the states.

Finally, the reading material point out that equal price of ethanol fuel and gas are a result of tax subsidies given by the United States Government. If the government were to stop helping the producer would result the greatly increase in price. But the professor advocated that future production of ethanol fuel would be three times compare to the production now, a government currently is necessary to farmer, but the sale price would finally decrease to the same level of gas.

夏之鱼语

The most important characteristic of a politician or a leader is the good communication skill.

I still remember how they judge[judged] Candidate Obama when he runs[ran] the US president election in 2008. He knows how to communicate
to[with]the[去掉] public. Tell them what they what [want] to hear.【告诉人们他们想要知道的并不能体现交流技巧】 He catches everyone’s attention. He made a lot of great speech. I was touched even I came from Mainland China. All the Newspaper though he is a new political star【considered him as a new political star】because he can make a great[inspiring] speech to catch the publican and win their votes.【这个句子写成倒装吧，句式太简单，变化少。】Citizens were walking on the street to celebrate a great president can speak for them. Finally, Obama won the president election and become the first black President of United States, simultaneous, one of the youngest presidents.
【这段话没有突出奥巴马的communication skills，只是在范范地谈下奥巴马的竞选背景，有点偏题。如果作者的意图仅仅只是想通过一个事件引入话题，则这段又显得太累赘了。】

I read his book “My father’s dream”. In the book he shared how he were traveling[travelled] around the country and giving a speech to different group[gave speeches to different groups]. He came from an ordinary family and down to earth so he had first-hand experience to communicate with ordinary citizens in a right [proper] way. I always though good communication skill was the most important characteristic of a politician or a leader. That was how Obama did and finally win the batter, even he never became a solider or have actually [real或者也是actual] experience to manage a city or state or other basic element[虾米？元素？] to run the campaign.

Henceforth【Hence】,to know [understanding] what your target’s [target customers] thought become the first[去掉，priority已经是优先了，不用再first] priority. A good communication skill can help us win our customer’s or boss’s [customers’ or bosses’] trust at workplace if you knew what they thought, and[then, maybe you can give前面是can，and表并列，前后谓语要一致]gave them aid at the first time. Providing a best quality service can help us won customer’s[customers’] loyalty, then bring a lot of profit to the company. This win-win strategy would enhance the chance to be promoted to become a leader, because you were the most valuable assets to [for] the customers and the employers. They cannot work without you because of your talent [excellent] communication skill.
【这段以论证为主，但是逻辑不对。首先，第一句的位置应该是主旨句，而你的内容似乎和communication skills无关，相比而言，第二句更适合做主旨句。此外，段落中论述了解别人的想法然后及时地施与援手，这个好像不是communication skills，是一个人敏感度和洞察力的问题吧。这个思路你觉得怎么样：好的交流技巧可以帮助我们获得他人的信任，我们知道该说什么，不该说什么，从而在交流中即不会触犯到他人的禁忌，又能够高效地表达自己的想法来解决问题。可以举个例子啊。个人觉得您的句子表达能力还需提高，有些地方词不达意，这对逻辑论证很不利，如果用例子的话就能够使这个问题看上去不那么明显。】
Through communicating with employee, a leader can judge the situation and knew the first-hand information to solve the problem, better your communication skill was, and sooner the problem can be solved.

【这句算总结么？可是上文既没有提到用first-hand information to solve the problem也没有明确说到problem can be solved more efficiently.】

【总结：文章的逻辑思路不清楚，语句表达和用词还需提高，句式较单一。一般托福写作采用五段式，可以百度下。每段也有很明确的逻辑结构：第一句提出论点，第二句论点简单阐述，下面几句写个例子，最后一句总结本段。所谓的论点是概念性的，没有什么实质含义，所以需要下面的第二句和例子展开。建议先从行文结构开始调整，如果想要标新立异采用其他的行文结构，还是建议等以后语句表达流畅后在做这样的挑战。以上内容仅代表个人观点，多多指教！】

kiddy72

The lecture objects to the statements mentioned in the reading passage, 另起一句吧the professor said that growing process of planet will absorb carbon dioxide, and it would not influence source of food for animals and the price would finally decrease.开头一段最好说一下topic是什么吧

First, the professor points out that the growing process of a plant would absorb the carbon dioxide as its nutrition, and it will neutralize the carbon dioxide after it made into gas released. This objects to the passage’s opinion – ethanol fuel would not help to solve one of the biggest environmental problems caused by gasoline use: global warming.

Lately, the professor mentioned that ethanol can be made from cellulose好厉害 我完全没听到这说了个什么, since most animal didn't eat cellulose so there would be no effect to reduce the amount of plants available for animal’s food supply. It against the passages said 10 percent of the fuel needs would consume 60 percent of the corn currently grown in the states.
Finally, the reading material points out that equal price of ethanol fuel and gas are a result of tax subsidies given by the United States Government. If the government were to stop helping the producer would result the greatly increase in price. But the professor advocated that future production of ethanol fuel would be three times compare to the production now, a government currently is necessary to farmer, but the sale price would finally decrease to the same level of gas.


写的好细致啊！！厉害！！我感觉我好多都没有听到 囧

AnthonySummer

10.13 toefl 五段式，谢谢夏之鱼语的建议，真是太有帮助了！真心学到了！

Do you agree or disagree? It is better to work with your own computer and telephone at your home than work in your company's office.

Work at home with our own computer and telephone can save us a lot of time on driving or waiting for the traffic jam, but if we cannot communicate with our colleagues face to face and personally hand the work material, so sometimes would bring us a lot of trouble on misunderstanding.

At finance industry, we cannot image work at home without internet access or low quality network provider. I used to be working at home several years ago as a future goods trader. A trader has extremely high requirement of internet access. Unfortunately, the company so called China Mobile at my community only provide a low quality internet, and the network would crash down several times a week, that make me really stress out. My heart almost comes to my mouth every time when it happened because as a futures trader if I can't sell the futures in my account and market go down, and I would lose huge amounts of money in less than one minute. It was better for me at the office because my work place provides high speed and quality internet access, simultaneously, my team member can communicate instantly without waiting for the dial of the phone so we would not lose any opportunity.

My ex-girlfriend used to work for an auditor company and auditor requires high-class level of information confidentiality. Every piece of paper cannot be brought outside the company was audited. So it is impossible for her to work with her own computer at home, otherwise she would be fired immediately, never found the same type of job again, also pay a very high penalty.

Some industry such as computer game designer or artist they might be possible work at home with computer and telephone. They can use long distance Video conference instead of a reality meeting. But a video conference would never be better than face to face communication, because we were not able to feel every details or the atmosphere through the video.

In conclusion, our technology and support facilities were not advanced enough to compare with working at the company. I preferred to work at the office.

AnthonySummer

10-13 TPO 23

The professor object to the reading passage's opinion from three parts: incest infection, climate change and bear damage.

First, the passage advocated that insect parasites: bark beetle eat the wood and because of this instance of sustained beetle attacks overwhelming and killing cedars were untruth. Health cedar was much resistant to insect, and a high level of chemical pollution found inside the cedar that reduces the Cedar resistant level to insect.

The professor then points out across all over North American include the island where had no bear but cedar still steadily declining. It proved a flaw that bears ate the tree bark which contains sugar, and their aggressive feeding habits damage the cedar.

Lastly the professor also challenges the reading passage said because of climate change across the Northwester North American affected the root system, and it affects root growing in the late winter rather than in the early spring. He points out the temperatures were warm at low elevation than high elevation but temperatures were cold but more cedar was decreasing.

夏之鱼语

Do you agree or disagree? It is better to work with your own computer and telephone at your home than work in your company's office.

Work【working做主语的时候要用动名词或过去分词，下划线部分是本句的主语】at home with our own computer and telephone can save us a lot of time on driving or waiting for the traffic jam, but ifwe cannot 【this way prevents us to 】communicate with our colleagues face to face and personally hand 【+on】the work material 【hand the working material personally]】,so sometimes【which】would bring us a lot of trouble on misunderstanding【去掉，不能与同事面对面可能会有misunderstanding，不能亲自交材料基本和misunderstanding没有什么关系，which这句话用于总结上面的and连接的两个宾语，不如用trouble就好了，省得歧义。】.

At finance industry【In a finance industry 没有a，工厂要用复数的】, we cannot image work【working】 at home without internet access or low quality network provider. I used to be working【work】 at home several years ago【去掉，或者用I have worked at home several years ago】 as a future goods trader. A trader has extremely high requirement of internet access. 【which requires fast connections to the Internet.用点复合句，总用简单句文章不出彩。或者是：The trader requires extremely fast connections to the Internet. The+n.指代一类人】Unfortunately, the company so called China Mobile at my community only provide a low quality internet, and the network would crash down several times a week, that【which，that前不用逗号】make【made】 me really stress out. My heart almost comes to my mouth every time when it happened【.】because【Because】 as a futures trader【去掉，前文说了，累赘】if I can't【cannot托福写作中不要用缩写】sell the futures in my account【，after the market go down】 and market go down, and I would lose huge amounts of money in less than one minute. It was better for me at the office because my work place provides high speed and quality internet access, simultaneously, my team member can communicate instantly without waiting for the dial of the phone so we would not lose any opportunity.【加一句话总结下全段】

My ex-girlfriend used to work for an auditor company and auditor requires high-class level of information confidentiality. Every piece of paper cannot be brought outside the company was audited【后面两个词什么意思？句子中已经有一个cannot做谓语，不能再有was做第二个谓语】. So it is impossible for her to work with her own computer at home, otherwise she would be fired immediately, never found the same type of job again, also pay a very high penalty.【写不清楚就去掉。因为看不懂这三者什么关系，并列么？可是好像是的进一步，先开除然后找不到工作，那么呢？好像是和并列的。。。so。。。。凌乱了】

【However，加个转折，明确与前文的关系】Some industry【，】 such as computer game designer or artist【这个是人，不是对industry的举例；such as前要有逗号。】they might be possible work at home with computer and telephone. They can use long distance Video conference instead of a【去掉，前后一致，前面没a】reality meeting. But a video conference would never be better than face to face communication, because we were not able to feel every details or the atmosphere through the video.
In conclusion, 【considered】our technology and support facilities were not advanced enough to compare with working at the company.【，】 I preferred to work at the office.【可以并成一句，如果要分开两句，前面那句也得有个because】

【文章结构还是不清楚，虽然第一段说了不能与同事面对面，不能亲自交材料因此会产生misunderstanding，由此可以推断你的观点是反对，但是毕竟推断不如直接给个立场来的干脆，考场上就不要考验考官的推理能力了，直接用一句话给出你的立场。下面三段，一个是自己的例子，一个是前女友的例子和一段让步，认真看下观点是：办公室提供比家里更好的设备有些工作要求机密，但是这两个观点也是要看文章的人去推理出来的，在每段第一句把这两个论点直接写出来，文章结构会更清晰一点（PS：我也很喜欢写让步哈*^_^*）。

文章结构比昨天的好，看到你的留言，不胜荣幸，共勉，有错拍错砖的地方多多指教~】

chengzaaaa

说的不对的地方多包涵哈，指出讨论，共同进步~