小v第一次加入写作小分队，作文求指教！！！

kiddy72

改的不好 多多指教哦～加油～～～

verchieldan

小v 因为遇到一些小挫折，消沉了很久，但是又回来了，好好写作文，好好考托福，毕竟，在CD，我还有很多可爱的战友的。


11.8 独立
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past.



What we’ve been debating here today over the last few years will affect the viewpoint that the more chances of people to go to school and get educated all cross the country compare to hundreds of years ago. This viewpoint over young children and adults is more than just numbers on a paper; it’s about more than just salary and occupations. It’s about the quality of life and the belief of people. It’s about what kind of future of our own country and the whole world we are looking for. And that’s what I want to spend some time talking about here.

First of all, with the development of society, people are no worry about enough food and clothes. The trend what they are thinking more in their mind is education. For example, in the early form of human society like bound and tribe, a man who is operating the family will be bothered when teaching their children hunting and surviving. Hunt for live is the most important instead of get educated. In addition, living in a peaceful and prosperity country, we have to admit that the knowledge oriented society has provided an increasing number of education chances to all persons. People are using as much as possible ways to get themselves and their children educated with more chances are available by government.

Then there comes a series of changes. On the one hand, all country try to put huge finds in educating and appeal suitable people to make full use of the educational sources in order to create a hi-tech and creative country. Let’s take China as an example. With easer accesses and strong support by government, including the obligatory education policy, people tend to participant education frequently even in further and poorer rural areas. On the other hand, people realize the importance and necessity to get to educate. That means better job and better and a ideal future life both for work and living. “Knowledge can change life.” When I was a child living in a small village in Yunnan Provence which is the less developed and poorest area around China, my father and all of my teacher said that to me when I didn’t want to go to school and finish my homework.

And at the same time, there are also some areas in the world where less education are available such as Iran and Somalia. Because of the sharking political situation and war, the students there lost their school and found nowhere to go. People are easier to go to school to learn what they what in most both developed and developing countries, however, they are living more quietly and there is no war or any other miserable accidents.

To sum up, if there is a wish to build a future people want and dream, there absolutely become easier for all people to get educated than before. The more and better chances are just around if you are one of people who are always looking forward to hold them.

amissrosa

11.8獨立改


[注1]What we’ve been debating here today over the last few years willaffect the viewpoint that the more chances of people to go to school and geteducated all across the country compare to hundreds of years ago. [注2]This viewpoint over young children and adults is more than just notonly about numbers on a paper; it’s but also about more than just salaryand occupations. It’s(Chances of being educated is) about the quality of life and the belief of people. It’s about whatkind of future of our own country and the whole world we are looking for. Andthat’s what I want to spend some time talking about here. [注3]
[注1]”我们今天辩论的事情将会影响the viewpoint that…?这句话有点累赘,而且independent writing只是要我们选择一个论点,不用重新描述题目要我们做什么,而且楼主选择的论点并不会影响到题目本身的内容。此外，文法问题要注意喔!若这句要保留..建议改成
What wedebate here today has been discussed over the last few years, and that is theviewpoint about the more chances that people are easier to be educated now thanin the past.
[注2] 不太懂这句话的意思,是不是犯了中式英文?可以一起讨论喔!
虽然不太懂意思..但修饰一点文法问题
[注3]
(a) independent writing第一段最好能在段落里表达自己agree or disagree题目。
(b)美国人喜欢直叙,不喜欢拐弯抹角。托福作文满分例子里许多都短句且白话，考试也不强求考生要写出像中文文章般华丽的修饰法(像楼主的原文就用了三个it’s about开头来写句子)，当然修饰法若运用得当，铁定加分，但楼主的文法还不够扎根，建议先以简单的句构练习



First of all, with(because of) thedevelopment of society, [注1] people are no worry about enough food and clothes. The trend whatthey are thinking more in their mind is education. For example, in the early form of humansociety like bound and tribe(in the former human society, such as tribe), a man who is operating(was responsible for raising family) the family will would be bothered(distracted) when (by) teaching their children hunting and surviving skills. Hunting for lives is the mostimportant part of previous society instead of geting educated. In addition, living in a peaceful and prosperity country, wehave to admit that the knowledge oriented society has provided an increasing number of (more and more) education chances to all persons (people). People are using (benefit from) as much as possible ways (chances provided by governments) to getthemselves and their children educated with more chances are available by government.
[注1]中式英文喔!此句应为people have been no longer worried about food shortage and lack ofclothes, and they pay more attention on education.



Then, there comes a series of changes. On the one hand, all country(our society) tries to put huge finds in (improve)educating (education system) and appeal suitable people to make full use of the educational sources in order to create ahi-tech and creative country. Let’s take China as an example. With easeraccesses and strong support by government, including the obligatory educationpolicy, people tend to participant (participate) education frequently even in further and poorer rural areas. On the other hand, people realize the importance andnecessity to get to educate (haveeducation). That means better job and better and a ideal future life both for work and living. “Knowledge can change life.” When I was achild living in a small village in Yunnan Provence (Province) which (where) is the less developed and the poorest area around China, my father and all of my teachers said that to me when I didn’t want to go to school and finish myhomework.




And at the same time(何时??), there are also some areas, such as Iran and Somalia, in the world where less education areavailable (were lack of educational institutions) such as Iranand Somalia. Because of the sharking (worse) political situation and war, the students there lost their school andfound nowhere to go. People are easier to go to school to learn what they what in most bothdeveloped and developing countries, however, where they are living more quietly and there is no war or any other miserableaccidents.

To sum up, [注1] [注2]if there is a wish to build a future people want and dream, there absolutely become easier for all people to get educated thanbefore. The more and better chances are just around if you are one of peoplewho are always looking forward to hold them.
[注1] If people can makes their dreams come true
[注2]底线这句话不符合主题。楼主既然认为现代人较容易受教育，就不应该在此处用这句话，因为是反方的论点

楼主的文法问题要再加强，句子和段落尽可能简洁有力，例子要符合题目，可以背些转折词…等作文常用词汇。楼主要持之以恒喔！作文这东西要天天练习才会进步

verchieldan

11月23日
独立 Agree or disagree：Your job has greater happiness than your social life

Propose a thought that if you are asked that job or social life, which bring you more happiness during your daily life and make you full of energy to reach more? Perhaps I’d like to explore this sort of topic in this essay considering that both of these are vital part of our life. Job and social life have some things in common that we can simply put one into another as they show different nature.

We all understood that people have the relief “live to work”, especially for Asia people. Working in some position or, I mean, own a satisfied job is basic needs for human beings. All of us want to buy things which we like, hang out with people we love, travel fantasy Mediterranean when we are old. But how can we make our dreams come true? Absolutely, a stable job is an entire guarantee to do above things and it’s essential to enrich our social life. That remand me of an old friend in my childhood—Han. She tried her best to get the key to top 500 companies in 2004, and after 8 years old of hard working she earn herself a high-pay job and a relax life. “It’s not the job which makes me happy but the thing followed it. Job is the heaviest brick to build your colorful life.” When she was asked the question I mentioned above, she smiled and said that.

Job doesn’t mean fell happier, however, social life around the job is the right source of happiness. In fact, some people may not do the job they like, they just want to survive then build social network to enjoy life instead. I have a college teacher who gave up stressful work in bank and being a professor in order to spend more time meeting friends, go amusement park with his children and develop his interest of photographing. “I would rather enjoy the tea time and talk about the new president.” He said aloud in my human resource management course.

Admittedly, social life can bring more joys and happiness to one’s life. But, at the same time, when social life occupy too much in one’s life and there is no space available to work for someone, dullness and boring will make one feel lonely. Let’s take some young man born in rich family as an example. Part of them just idle and do nothing all days. Without job, without passion. It is crucial to looking after something during a man’s life time and may last forever.

Indeed social life can bring more happiness to us in any society nowadays. In addition, it’s the basic and necessary require for human being. Because we are thinking and keep forward using a life time, more happiness we can obtain through our social life work and never forget working.

mia1201

首先要抱歉的是，我把题目看串了，于是我写的是24号的独立。。。。。。。见谅！！
Propose a thought that if you are (were) asked that (is it) job or social life which(that) brings you more happiness during your daily life and make you fullof energy to reach more? Perhaps I’d like to explore this sort of topic in thisessay considering that both of these are vital part (parts) of ourlife. Job and social life have some things (something) in commonthat we can simply put one into another as they show different nature.

We all understood that people have the relief “live to work”, especially forAsia (Asian) people. Working in some position or, I mean, own(owning) asatisfied job is basic needs for human beings. All of us want to buy thingswhich we like, hang out with people we love, travel (to) fantasyMediterranean when we are old. But how can we make our dreams come true?Absolutely, a stable job is an entire guarantee to do above things and it’sessential to enrich our social life. That remand (remind) me of anold friend in my childhood—Han. She tried her best to get the key to top 500 (Fortune 500)companies in 2004, and after 8 years old ofhard working she earn herself a high-paying job anda relax life(轻松的生活一般不用relax life，可能改为easy life更好). “It’snot the job which makes me happy but the thing followed it. Job is the heaviestbrick to build your colorful life.” When she was asked the question I mentionedabove, she smiled and said that.

Job doesn’t mean fell （feeling）happier, however, social life around the job isthe right source of happiness. In fact, some people may not do the job theylike, they just want to survive then build social network to enjoy lifeinstead. I have a college teacher who gave up stressful work in bank and beinga professor in order to spend more time meeting friends, go amusement park withhis children and develop his interest of photographing. “I would rather enjoythe tea time and talk about the new president.” He said aloud in my humanresource management course.

Admittedly, social life can bring more joys andhappiness to one’s life. But, at the same time, when social life occupys too muchin one’s life and there is no space available to work for someone, dullness andboring will make one feel lonely. Let’s take some young man born in rich familyas an example. Part of them are just idle and do nothing all days, withoutjob, without passion. It is crucial to looking(look) after something during aman’s life time and (which)may last forever.

Indeed social life can bring more happiness tous in any society nowadays. In addition, it’s the basic and necessary requirement forhuman being. Because we are thinking and keep forward using a life time, morehappiness we can obtain through our social life work and never forget working. （词句有点没太看懂，可能还需斟酌，是想表达social life更快乐但是也不能忘了工作？）

verchieldan

16 January
Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
College and universities must do a better job of preparing student for the workplace.

In contemporary society, an increasing number of young people are trying to get into universities and colleges in order to get a satisfied job with high-paid and social status. Naturally, the completion between universities is becoming cruel. It is necessary for all universities to promote education level and obtain fame around society. Doing a better job of preparing for the student for the workplace is a vital part to build up a profound and world famous university.

Learning knowledge or doing social practices, which is more important for student when they spend their precious college time? Absolutely, both knowledge and skill are the keys to success not only for the dream job but also for the students themselves. That reminds professors and college leaders to provide what student really need when they are in workplace. Let’s take my college as an example, my college is belong to the “211”programe which will send thousands graduates into finance industry including banks, securities and insurance companies. But in recent years, the school finds that companies hire fewer employees and the number still decline. After a detailed and widely survey conducted by the school, what makes them surprise is the banks view graduates lack of practice experiences while operating the business. After that, a social practice is necessary for every one of us if we want to graduate from this school and no cheating is allowed.

To be a good colleague and a good subordinate even an excellent leader, college is an essential part of the whole success for every ambitious young man. On the one hand, with the development of the high-tech industry, more well-educated elites are required by the company. Just like my friend Dan, he is majoring computer in Peking university where is famous for the ways of excellent education and quality of the graduates. Although he doesn’t graduate yet, he already got an offer from Huawei Company which is the top 10 in electric business industry. On the other hand, if the college cultivates more outstanding students, more elites will choose the school to further their study. Building up a first-class university is just around the corner.

Admittedly, I tend to agree that in some conditions, it may be true that school’s efforts benefit nothing to students to prepare in work place. One must try to be in pursuit of success and receive the help of school at the same time.

In conclusion, based upon the help of college or university, students can get used to the out of campus environment quickly and perform better to show their talent.

麦田往事

In contemporary society, an increasing number of young people are trying to get into universities and colleges in order to get a satisfied job with high-paid and social status. 这里尽量让and 两边对称也就是job 和status， 所以修饰job的尽量都往job前移Naturally, the completion你是想用competition 吧between universities is becoming cruel. It is necessary for all universities to promote education level and obtain fame around society. Doing a better job of preparingpreparation of job for the student for the workplace is a vital part to build up a profound and world famous university.最后一句表达观点的句子最好能简洁些

Learning knowledge or doing social practices, which is more important for student when they spend their precious college time? Absolutely, both knowledge and skill are the keys to success not only for the dream job but also for the students themselves. That reminds professors and college leaders to provide what student really need when they are in workplace.这句话我没太懂Let‘s take my college as an example, my college is belong to the “211”programe which这个which是修饰college 还是211工程，如果是修饰college 最好放到前面去will send thousands graduates into finance industry including banks, securities and insurance companies. But in recent years, the school finds that companies hire fewer employees from my college and the number still decline. After a detailed and widely survey conducted by the school, what makes them surprise is the banks view consider graduates lack of practice experiences while operating the business. After that, a social practice is necessary for every one of us if we want to graduate from this school and no cheating is allowed.最后一句你阐述的是一个事实，从逻辑上来讲，after that 之后应该加上学校发现问题之后的做法。

To be a good colleague and a good subordinate even an excellent leader, college is an essential part of the whole success for every ambitious young man. 这句话的主语应该是 young man 而不是 college可以改成college is an essential part of the whole success for every ambitious young man to be a good colleague or a good subordinate even an excellent leader. On the one hand, with the development of the high-tech industry, more well-educated elites are required by the company. Just like my friend Dan, he is majoring computer in Peking university where is famous foras the ways of excellent education and quality of the graduates. Although he doesn’t graduate yet, he already got an offer from Huawei Company which is the top 10 in electric business industry. On the other hand, if the college cultivates more outstanding students, more elites will choose the school to further their study. Building up a first-class university is just around the corner. 学校培养出更多的精英，他们就会继续深造，就能建设出一流的大学，这个逻辑有点跳跃啊而且 跟文章主旨 学校要注重preparation of job 关系不大啊

Admittedly, I tend to agree that in some conditions, it may be true that school’s efforts benefit nothing用的太绝对了吧 to students to prepare in work place. One must try to be in pursuit of success and receive the help of school at the same time.

In conclusion, based upon the help of college or university, students can get used to the out of campus environment quickly and perform better to show their talent.



楼主的作文基本框架是完整的，用词也很丰富 值得学习，但是逻辑结构还要多注意，另外 我觉得你要多用些简洁明朗的中心句去点明文章或段落主旨。

verchieldan

17 January

Integrated Writing:
TPO 17

The professor explained that why population of the birds will not decline in the future in the U.S. There are three reasons to support this idea.
First of all, although the urban areas are expanding rapidly nowadays, it will provide better and larger habitats for birds to live. This directly refutes the reading passage that natural habitats will led birds extinct. As a result of increasing habitats, birds population will also increase. At the same time, some kind of species may become less while the more important is others like pigeons will produce faster in the city.
Secondly, the development of agriculture will not destruct birds’ habitats. Against this contradicts what is started in the reading material that agriculture will destruct the rural areas which will cause the birds decline. The lecture point out that there are fewer land used for farm land in the U.S. Future more, the introduction of the new crop will offer more food and land for the birds.
Finally, the listening material states that pesticides will not reduce the number of the birds. This disagree with the author of the passage that the continuous using of the pesticides will do harm to the reproducing of the bird even in the future. The professor stresses that people are aware the effect of the pesticides. There are two ways to change the using of the pesticides now. On the one hand, people are developing the new pesticides which have less toxic. On the other hand, more important is the cultivating of the pest resisted crops. The consequence is no more pesticides are needed. Hence, there will not be harmful to the birds.

wsxz007

TPO17 综合批改The professor explained that why population of the birds will not decline in the future in the U.S. There are three reasons to support this idea.



首段最好写出 阅读和听力在说一个事……，分别持不同的观点，听力说了啥啥，具体分为几点来反驳阅读……这是标准套路
First of all, although the urban areas are expanding rapidly nowadays, it will provide better and larger habitats for birds to live. This directly refutes the reading passage that natural habitats will led birds extinct.后半句栖息地导致鸟灭绝？怎么也说不过去哦 As a result of increasing habitats, birds population will also increase. At the same time, some kind of species may become less while the more important is others like pigeons 这个点我还真没听出来，厉害will produce faster in the city.
总的来说就是point：阅读说城市↑鸟↓，听力说城市↑鸟↑，detail： 鸟种类此消彼长e.g 鸽子
Secondly, the development of agriculture will not destruct birds’ habitats. Against this contradicts 这个啥意思？what is started in the reading material that agriculture will destruct the rural areas which will cause the birds decline. The lecture point out that there are fewer land used for farm land in the U.S. Future more, 少连词the introduction of the new crop will offer more food and land for the birds.
Finally, the listening material states that pesticides will not reduce the number of the birds. This disagree with the author of the passage that the continuous using of the pesticides will do harm to the reproducing of the bird even in the future. The professor stresses that people are aware the effect of the pesticides. There are two ways to change the using of the pesticides now. On the one hand, people are developing the new pesticides which have less toxic. On the other hand,这两个短语最好不连一起哟用 more important is the cultivating of the pest resisted crops. The consequence is no more pesticides are needed. Hence, there will not be harmful to the birds.

听力和阅读的点楼主应该是都找出来了这很厉害哦，只是在表达上有点……小混乱，这个综合写作基本是有套路的，不是模板，可以多看看，

verchieldan

18 January
Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Young people now are more willing to help others than those in the past.
实在对不住互改的同学，发得太晚了，谢谢~辛苦了~

Asked what if an old man fell down in the main street when you just pass by, will you move forward and give a hand to the old man? Most young people will answer absolutely: there is no time to be heisted and it’s my duty to help him. In fact, the young are becoming friendly and are willing to help others than those in the past. As for me, I firmly believe with the rapid development of society in all kinds of areas, including education level, economy, human right and citizenship, the world as a whole are beginning to realize their own responsibility and obligatory.

To begin with, the young are receiving education with being kind and helpful to anyone whenever they are doing and wherever they are. Since the government and the school are contributing themselves to the education development to every person who are even around three to four years old. There is no better illustration than the example of my friend Dan, who was shown up on TV and many news papers for a long time, rescued a drown child from a deep and fast river when he on the way home. What impressed me a lot is what he said to the reporter—I am not a hero but a common person like everyone of you. It’s just happened and I’ m just here coincidently. My teacher and my parents told me to help others when they are in trouble. Of course, the aware of help is always in action beyond word.

Furthermore, we are living a more human-oriented society nowadays. One the one hand, law and mass media are vital part of our daily life to protect us from the unfair treat. That is to say, no worry about we may be a murder or thief from a helper even audience. According to the recent survey by the CCTV, people believe law can reveal the truth and more laws are published to encourage this kind of helpful behavior. On the other hand, an increasing number regard helping others as their obligatory and are likely to repay to the society.

Admittedly, I have to recognize that: in some conditions, people are care themselves more and try to put aside and do nothing. This kind of young man are becoming less and less while they are living in a harmony and friendly society. Being full of love, however, we can predict that young people are trying their best to stimulating changes.

In conclusion, for the reasons stated above, I can safely conclude that the young are performing better while helping others. With the tendency of more young people are joining the meritorious action, the friendly and warm world is just around the corner.