bonnenuit的作文帖！作文一直都是个弱项！求大牛帮忙批改作文！感激不尽啊！

kiddy72

A lot of concepts and theories have been out of style and replaced by new ones, attributing to the rapid development of science and technology. Whether all school teachers should be required to attend courses every 5five years to update their knowledge is a controversial issue. As far as I concerned, I do not totally agree with this issue, privately, however,这里用however好像有点影响你的立场 我看到后面才发现你是反对这个观点的 I reckon that the old teachers are more necessary than young teachers to attend such courses to renew their knowledge.


To begin with, the opportunities for young teachers are much more than those for old teachers. Since young teachers grow up in a circumstance where IT is highly developing and with numerous high-tech products, such as computers, Televisions, have been introduced into their daily life, they are more easy to come into contact with new knowledge through Internet, TV news,magazines, even communicating with others. 这句有点太长了 However, the old teachers own so few ways to achieve update knowledge except for the textbooks that their concepts and theories have been out of fashion, hence, it is necessary to organize them to attend courses every 5 years to update their knowledge.


Furthermore, the old teachers are not only subjected to the narrow ways to achieve updating knowledge, but also reluctant to accept new ideas. Due to the chronic influence of previous theories and concepts on them, old teachers always reveal too stubborn to take new knowledge in and feel puzzled about the new things. On the contrary, young teachers are much easier to accept updating ideas. They live in the environment where complex ideas mix together and information updates fastly, and they have to cultivate themselves' ability to accept new things to adapt to the competing circumstance.


Admittedly, old teachers have more experiences in teaching than young teachers, even they are more flexible to cope with the difficulties with which the students come up. Nevertheless, a good teacher should help his or her students to equip with updating educational backgrounds to adapt to the new society. Therefore, the old teachers are more necessary to attend the courses every 5 years to update their knowledge than young teacher.


All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that, not all teachers should take such courses every 5 year to update their knowledge.

文章词汇挺丰富的～向你学习 但是个人觉得有点跑题啊 感觉好像是在比较年轻老师和年长的老师 两个分论点其实可以算作一个论点 个人观点 可以讨论哈～ 其实我觉得可以写两点不同意：1、老师经验的积累其实也是不断学习的过程 没必要教育了 2、通讯发达 了解知识渠道多 没必要教育 自己可以学

bonnenuit

do you agree that the best way for parents to make the children learn about responsibility is to have children care for an animal?


No one is born to make sense of the responsibility, hence, before their children can adapt to the reality, parents should find some proper ways to help their children cultivate various senses of responsibility, such as how to show love, care about others. Whether the best way for parents to make the children learn about responsibility is to have children care for animal is a controversial issue. As far as I concerned, I agree with that idea, and in order to better illustrate my perspective, I will give several reasons as follow.


To begin with, through caring for animals, children will find ways to show responsibility.During the process of getting along with animals, children try to make friends and communicate with their animals, and gradually they consider their animals as part of their life, consequently, they begin to care for animals, and learn to show love and care about others. Take me as example, when I was a little boy, I was reluctant contact with others. One day, my parents bought me a puppy as a gift. The puppy was so cute that I could help loving it, viewed it as my best friend and talked with it every day. The puppy also reacted with wagging its tail to show it love, and l realized that I should pay pack when others love me.


Further more, children not only will learn to show love and care about others through care for animals, but also will learn to take the responsibility to fulfill a promise..for example, when my parents gave me the little puppy, they also made me promise that I can take good care of the puppy, feed and walk it in time ever day. I kept the promise all the time, and it taught me that once I make a promise, I should keep my promise.


Admittedly, it is too rash to say that caring for animal will benefit every children. Not every child will experience the same consequence, for example, some children will learn little if they are afraid of the animals. Nevertheless, the advantages of caring for animals outweigh the disadvantages, and it is worthy to try.


All in all, from the reason listed above, we can conclude that caring an animal is the best way for parents to make the children learn about responsibility.

bonnenuit

1021独立写作

If you need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, you will use e-mail or text
messaging, OR use the telephone or voice-messaging.


A lot of communication ways such as e-mail, text messaging, telephone, and voice- messaging have been introduced into people's daily life, attributing to the vast improvement of communication techniques and tools. Recently, a controversial option that You will use e-mail or text messaging, or use the telephone or voice-messaging when you need to discuss upsetting or debatable problems with others has given rise to people. As far as I concerned, I firmly prefer to use e-mail or text messaging to convey my ideas to others.



To begin with, it will be more straightforward and excise for you to express perspective by using e-mail or text messaging. Sometimes, straightforward words will embarrass the listener so that it makes the speaker feel too awkward to say it out, and the speaker has to find some other alternative words, leading to the distortion of original ideas. However, the words that precisely delivered by e-mails or text messaging will efficiently reduce the awkwardness, and better boost the communication between both sides. For example, it is a very common phenomenon that more and more employers use e-mail to communicate with their employees, even some employers use the e-mails to inform the employees that they are not qualified for their positions and get fired.



Furthermore, e-mail and text messaging not only will help you express your ideas precisely, but also will help you conceal your inner emotions. It is inevitable that the fierce debate on upsetting or controversial problems will put you into bad temper, which will worse the situations. Nevertheless, the e-mail or text messaging will help you convey your ideas without your emotions. For example, once I calmly debated with my partner about a controversial problem through e-mail. His ridiculous ideas really drove my crazy, if we talked about this on the telephone, I would lose my temper and yell at him, then I might ruin our relationships.



Admittedly, the communication will be delayed by using e-mail or text messaging, and bring more inconvenience to two sides. However, we can think twice and revise our perspectives before we draw the final conclusions.



In in all, from the reason listed above, I conclude that we'd better use the e-mail or text messaging if we need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others.

陈喵喵holdon

1021独立写作

If you need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, you will use e-mail or text
messaging, OR use the telephone or voice-messaging.


A lot of communication ways such as e-mail, text messaging, telephone, and voice- messaging have been introduced into people's daily life, attributing to the vast improvement of communication techniques and tools. Recently, a controversial option that You will use e-mail or text messaging, or use the telephone or voice-messaging when you need to discuss upsetting or debatable problems with others has given rise to people. As far as I concerned(as far as I am concerned), I firmly prefer to use e-mail or text messaging to convey my ideas to others.



To begin with, it will be more straightforward and excise(这个excise用在这是?) for you to express perspective by using e-mail or text messaging. Sometimes, straightforward words will embarrass the listener so that it makes the speaker feel too awkward to say it out, and the speaker has to find some other alternative words, leading to the distortion of original ideas. However, the words that precisely delivered by e-mails or text messaging will efficiently reduce the awkwardness, and better boost the communication between both sides. For example, it is a very common phenomenon that more and more(之前有老师说一个more就够了,more and more不太正式)employers use e-mail to communicate with their employees, even some employers use the e-mails to inform the employees that they are not qualified for their positions and get fired.



Furthermore, e-mail and text messaging not only will help you express your ideas precisely, but also will help you conceal your inner emotions. It is inevitable that the fierce debate on upsetting or controversial problems will put you into bad temper, which will worse(worsen) the situations. Nevertheless, the e-mail or text messaging will help you convey your ideas without your emotions. For example, once I calmly debated with my partner about a controversial problem(最好把problem具体指出来?) through e-mail. His ridiculous ideas really drove my(me?) crazy, if we talked about this on the telephone, I would lose my temper and yell at him, then I might ruin our relationships.



Admittedly, the communication will be delayed by using e-mail or text messaging, and bring more inconvenience to two sides. However, we can think twice and revise our perspectives before we draw the final conclusions.(让步很有道理诶)



In in all(in all?all in all?), from the reason listed above, I conclude that we'd better use the e-mail or text messaging if we need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others.

-- by 会员 bonnenuit (2012/10/21 20:04:05)

语言很简单明了，表达意思很明白，例子也举的很恰当。
缺点的话感觉有些动词词组可以用单个动词词汇表达，显得更正式一点。
结尾如果简单总结下上文理由就更好啦。
Good Luck~

kiddy72

do you agree that the best way for parents to make the children learn about responsibility is to have children care for an animal?


No one is born to make sense of the responsibility, hence, 连插入两个感觉怪怪的 用for/since之类的吧before their children can adapt to the reality, parents should find some proper ways to help their children cultivate various senses of responsibility, such as how to show love and care about others. Whether the best way for parents to make the children learn about responsibility is to have children care for animal is a controversial issue. 这句用主语从句比较好 助于太长了As far as I concerned, I agree with that idea, 另起一句吧 和前面其实没什么联系 and in order to better illustrate my perspective, I will give several reasons as follow.


To begin with, through caring for animals, children will find ways to show responsibility.During the process of getting along with animals, children try to make friends and communicate with their animals, and gradually they consider their animals as part of their life, 另起一句吧～consequently, they begin to care for animals, and learn to show love and care about others. Take me as example, when I was a little boy, I was reluctant in contact with others. One day, my parents bought me a puppy as a gift. The puppy was so cute that I couldn't help loving it, viewedviewing it as my best friend and talkedtalking with it every day. The puppy also reacted with wagging its tail to show it love, and l realized that I should pay pack when others love me.厄 看你的例子感觉是puppy pay back你 不太明白这个是怎么回事


Further more, children not only will learn to show love and care about others through taking care forof animals, but also will learn to take the responsibility to fulfill a promise.will放在not only 前面 用一个就ok了.for example, when my parents gave me the little puppy, they also made me promise that I can take good care of the puppy可以用it指代, to feed and walk it in time ever day. I kept the promise all the time, and it taught me that once I make a promise, I should keep my promise指代～.


Admittedly, it is too rash to say that caring for animal will benefit every children. Not every child will experience the same consequence,断句～ for example, some children will learn little if they are afraid of the animals. Nevertheless, the advantages of caring for animals outweigh the disadvantages, and it is worthy to try.


All in all, from the reason listed above, we can conclude that caring an animal is the best way for parents to make the children learn about responsibility.

先和楼主道歉 我今天才看到你给我的留言 不知道还来不来得及给你改的～


文章的话整体还是不错的～但有一些小语法错误 而且用好多and 我也老爱这样子 共勉哈～

bonnenuit

1027 独立写作

Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later



We were always taught that patience will bring the best outcomes when we were kids, our parents and teachers encouraged us to wait patiently for the coming opportunities. However, it turns out that the opportunity always come to visit someone who take action immediately. A controversial issue that people should wait for the chance patiently or take action to seek for opportunity has given risen to us. As far as I concerned, I firmly believe that we should take action now rather than later.



To begin with, many facts has proved that the opportunity have a preference for a active one. As opportunity will not always be there for you, you should take action as soon as possible. I learned it from my own experience when I worked in a financial institution. Once I was appointed to search after 20 potential customers for the institution in one week, and I decided to stay in my office and wait for the customers patiently. As several days passed, I got none and the coming deadline forced me to change my strategy. Some experienced colleagues advised me that I should look for customers outside on my own rather than wait for the customers to find me. Then I took their advices, and achieved my goal before the deadline.



Further more, you should take action immediately to prevent the opportunity slip away from your hands, because opportunity always come to meet and leave you silently, and never come back  again. For example, an excellent investor not only are sensitive to the tiny changes of the market, but also able to make the right decision and take action quickly at the proper time. Otherwise he may regret losing the best chance or suffer a lot of loss due to his hesitation.



Admittedly, patience is an important and necessary character for everyone, and we also cannot deny that the patience really work out in some special circumstance. However, taking the same strategy will not guarantee you the same consequence.



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can conclude that patience is not always a good strategy, andwe should take action now rather than later.

xiaoshuo199183

1027 独立写作

Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later



We were always taught that patience will bring the best outcomes when（这里把when改成since会不会更好一点？因为你前面用了always，这样更能体现出我们受这种观点影响很深远，不过用when也不错~） we were kids, our parents and teachers encouraged us to wait patiently for the coming opportunities. However, it turns out that the opportunity always come to visit someone who take action immediately. A controversial issue that people should wait for the chance patiently or take action（加上instantly）to seek for opportunity has given risen to us. As far as I （少了am）concerned, I firmly believe that we should take action now rather than later.



To begin with, many facts has proved（have  proved) that the opportunity(改成复数） have a preference for a（an） active one（这里one指代不明，改成person吧）. As opportunity will not always be there for you, you should take action as soon as possible. I learned it from my own experience when I worked in a financial institution. Once I was appointed to search after 20 potential customers for the institution in one week, and I decided to stay in my office and wait（waited） for the customers patiently. As several days passed, I got none and the coming deadline forced me to change my strategy. Some experienced colleagues advised me that I should look for customers outside（这里outside可以去掉） on my own rather than（改成instead of更好一点） wait for the customers to find me. Then I took their advices, and achieved my goal before the deadline.



Further more, you should take action immediately to prevent the opportunity（prevent from） slip away from your hands, because opportunity always come to meet and leave you silently, and never come back  again. For example, an excellent investor not only are sensitive to the tiny changes of the market, but also able to make the right decision and take action quickly at the proper time. Otherwise he may regret losing the best chance or suffer（suffering，和losing构成并列结构） a lot of loss due to his hesitation.



Admittedly, patience is an important and necessary character（用character好像不太合适） for everyone, and we also cannot deny that the patience really work out in some special circumstance（circumstances）. However, taking the same strategy will not guarantee you the same consequence.（这句是想表达什么？）



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can conclude that patience is not always a good strategy, andwe should take action now rather than later.

-- by 会员 bonnenuit (2012/10/27 20:25:40)

结构还不错，但是有些句子流畅度还可以提高，多积累一些固定搭配。注意单复数（一定不要在小地方犯错啊，我也经常会犯，咱都多注意）~加油！可能我改的也有不妥的地方，多多沟通~

bonnenuit

1029独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Governments should focus its budgets more on environmental protection than on economic development



Nowadays, people are more aware of the significance of environmental protection when the various pollutions ,such as noisy pollution, industrial pollution, appear frequently around us. A controversial issue about whether governments should focus its budgets more on environmental protection than on economical development has given rise to us, people's views toward this topic vary as a result from their different backgrounds and concerns. As far as I am concerned, I firmly believe that government should spend more budgets on economical development than on environmental protection.



To begin with, economical development is always the prerequisite of other activities. The more budgets are spent on economical development, the better economical circumstances and people's living standard will take place. People get well educated, subsequently become more aware of the importance of environment, and are more willing to devote themselves into the environmental protection. On the contrary, people always reveal selfish and take themselves' interests into consideration at first rather than the public interests when they are in inferior economical circumstance, and it will become more difficult for government to carry out the environmental protection.



Furthermore, not only will the economical development help carry out the environment protection, but also more investments and technology will be introduced into the environmental protection. For example, the governments can separate part of the budgets to assist the scientists to study and invent advanced and environmental facilities. Consequently, these facilities will be introduced to help enterprises to reduce the pollution and protect the environment. Moreover, more investments and advanced technology will make it more easier for people to cope with the pollution.



Admittedly, the environment in some places is devastated gradually, and people's lives there are in danger. Hence, some measures should be taken immediately to recover the environment before the pollution bring more damage to people.



All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that Governments should focus its budgets more on environmental protection than on economic development

lmylacoste

Nowadays, people are more aware of the significance of environmental protection when the various pollutions , such as noisy pollution, industrial pollution（建议：pollution用了太多了，可以试着秀秀单词量如waste，sewage，contamination，pollution用多了不好看呢）, appear frequently around us. A controversial issue about whether governments should focus its budgets more on environmental protection than on economical development（应该是economic development，下文都是哦，不再赘述了，看清题目啊）has given rise to（""表示好词哈，是导致引起的意思，放在单独在这里意思不太合适，可以说has given rise to a lot of heated discussion which we are being surrounded by us等等）us,（连词啊，两句句子呢）people's views toward this topic vary as a result from their different backgrounds and concerns.(我非常理解你的意思，但是。。这样应该意思更清楚：the various views held by people is resulted from …改法多样，意会即可，但是原句看着有点别扭) As far as I am concerned, I firmly believe（believe不太贴切吧。。相信一个观点？应该用认为会好些可以用insist on the point,tend to the view等等） that government should spend more budgets on economical development than on environmental protection.（没有paraphrase哦，没有加分了。。，可以不要than on environmental protection，然后举例，感觉比copy好，不知你意下如何）


To begin with, economical development is always the prerequisite（好词） of other activities. The more budgets are spent on economical development, the better economical circumstances and people's living standard will take place（中文意思没错，但是就是。。单一个be就好）. People （will表可能性）get well educated, subsequently become more aware of the importance of environment, and are more willing to devote themselves into the environmental protection. On the contrary, people （alwaysàwill 感觉通一点，will用了两次了，最好能用别的词，但我找不到更好的，可以一同讨论下） reveal（reveal是揭示的意思，上下文是表现的意思吧，给你个词assume参考下吧eg. During the last half of the nineteenth century, Columbia rapidly assumed the shape of a modern university） selfish（reveal及物用名词selfishness吧） and take themselves' interests into consideration at first rather than the public interests when they are in inferior economical circumstance(意思了解，但是这样会不会好一点when they are inferior to economical circumstance), and it will become more difficult for government to carry out the environmental protection.



Furthermore, not only will the economical development help carry out the environment protection, but also more investments and technology will be introduced into the environmental protection. For example, the governments can separate part of the budgets to assist the scientists to study and invent advanced and environmental facilities. Consequently, these facilities will be introduced to help enterprises to reduce the pollution and protect the environment. Moreover, more investments and advanced technology will make it more (应为much)easier for people to cope with the pollution.

这一段我没能看出来你的观点government should spend more budgets on economical development

因为你整段都在写能够帮助environment protection的investments，technology and facilities.

所以你要做的，是将investments，technology and facilities.和economical development联系起来

economic developmentà investments，technology and facilitiesà environment protection 更好

这才是论点，这样还是演绎推理

Admittedly, the environment in some places is devastated gradually, and people's lives there are in danger. Hence, some measures should be taken immediately to recover the environment before the pollution bring more damage to people. 写的太单薄了，eg，statistics，self-example丢上去



All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that Governments should focus its budgets more on environmental protection than on economic development

额，石化了。。论点。。为为什么不一样啊

论点：that government should spend more budgets on economical development than on environmental protection.

总结：
内容详实，用词句式多样
个别词，句表达的意思不很到位
结构清晰，但是内容丰富程度上不均匀
论点怎么可以不一样！

附：看了你今天的批改，有两个问题，麻烦再给点解答哦~

bonnenuit

11.2独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should buy things made in their own country; even the price is higher than same things made somewhere else.



The competitions in the international markets become more fierce, and enterprises take various measures and advantages to occupy more shares of the market to increase their sales and profits. Some people claim that people should buy things made in their own country, even the price is higher than same things made somewhere else. As far as I am concerned, I think the prior assert will fail to achieve its goal. I will give several reasons to support my view.



To begin with, people always have a preference for cheaper things. An investigation has been conducted by a social-behavior research team, discovering that more than 75 percent of consumers still take the price of goods into consideration at the first place when they are consuming. It is a true fact that we always choose the cheaper ones when items are at the same or approximate conditions, seldomly think about, even regardless of where they are made from. At least for me, I usually check the price tag first, then evaluate the value of the goods, and make the final decision. Therefore, the country of original plays a part during the process of making decision.



Furthermore, the higher price does not stand for the higher quality. The last thing all the consumers want to do is buy the inferior goods despite of the higher price. Restricted to some technologies, it makes many domestic enterprises difficult to manufactory high quality items, resulting in losing their competition in their fields and the shares of markets are deprived by other exotic enterprise.



Admittedly, the domestic industries make tremendous contributions to our national GDP, and the government should protect them from being replaced by exotic enterprises in the markets by encouraging the people to buy things made in their own country. However, this protections will discourage the domestic enterprises to make any improvements on their own technologies when they enjoy the benefits, and it is unfair for consumers to undertake the higher price.



All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that it is not a good suggestion that people should buy things made in their own country; even the price is higher than same things made somewhere else.