Franchise 的写作贴 Practice. Practice. Practice

面具小姐

9.2 独立作文修改
红色为错误 绿色是建议
没改过几次作文，很多都是凭感觉改的，改错了不要介意哈，指出来共同进步哟~~


Peopleususally(usually) want to relax themselvesafter a whole day's hard work. Some of them prefer to watch a movie or read abook. While for others, they pursue their energy(这个好像有点怪额) and loose(loosen) themselves by doing physical exercise. For me,I prefer to do physical exercise.



First of all, onlywhen we are healthy we can feel peace and relax ourselves totally. For example,when we accidentally have a headache or catch a cold, it is nearly impossiblefor us to relax. What we worry about most is when can we (we can) be cured. Then the  we (may) feel nervous till we become healthy again (recover偶尔替换下healthy). In that way, doing exercise can gurantee (guarantee) our body health and offer that(指代好像不清楚。。换成us的话后面还要加冠词) oppoutunity(opportunity) to be totally relaxed . In sum, we canonly be truly relaxed afterdoing exercise when we are in good and healthy conditions.(after和when 我理解你的意思 但是我不理解这句子的意思。。。。还有 感觉good就够了 毕竟healthy出现太多次了。。)

(doing exercise 还可以用doing sports啊exercising啊之类的。。)



Moreover, doingexercise makes a contribution to help us refocus on our distracted minds, which in turn and makes us peaceful feel at ease and energetic. Take my experience for example.(句号或者分号)I usually go to playing basketball with my close friends. Assoon as I stand on the court, I feel not only excited but focused. Then I just put(fixed) my mind on the basketball while worring(worrying) about nothing. It is a significant way torelax for two reasons. Firstly, when I focus on the exercise, all my worries(这里用worry的话上面可以用concern) just slip away from my mind, thus (没主语。。可以选择不用thus改用which,或者用the basketball做主语, )makes me more proactive. Secondly, after doing exercise, I often will havea sound sleep. As a result, I feel relaxed next few days. (太多I开头了。。可以变换一下句式)
（还有。。我个人感觉这段话后面两个理由挺累赘的。。）


Granted, watching amovie or reading a book can bring us a lot of joy, but it is no better thandoing exercise when we are eager to feel relaxed. When we see a scary film atnight, most of us will be fearful. The tension, a feeling of worry and anxietywhich makes it difficult for us (makes us difficult) to relax, will dominate us. What's more, whenwe read a book such as DearJohn, the moving story can keep us emotional (处于某种情绪是in XXX emotion吧。。。) for a whole week.



In sum, doingexercise can be a better way to make people feel relaxed in different aspects. (in sum 用了两次 有很多同义词组；最后几个词让人感觉是这是开头不像结尾。。 a better way to relax people会不会好点。。)

E月羽

9月11日独立呢？貌似我改你的

guoyang88

9.29 综合 TPO9

The professor is skeptical about the idea in the reading passages. She lists three main ideas.

First of all, in the reading, it says that petroleum is a finite resource and will be used out. But for the hydrogen, it cannot easily be depleted. On the contrary, the professor argues that using hydrogen is not a practical solution. For the hydrogen is not available, because  it is very difficult to produce and store hydrogen. In addition, it needs a very cold situation which is not available for common use.

Second, the professor refutes the claim in the reading that hydrogen-based fuel cells can solve pollution problems. She points out that producing hydrogen can cause more pollution, because people must get energy to create it. However, the main source energy is from burning coal and oil which makes the pollution problems more serious.

Finally, although the passage suggests that fuel-cell engines can be economically competitive, the professor disagrees with this idea. She indicates that such an advantage is undermined by the fact that fuel-cell engines are extremely expensive to manufacture because they require the addition of platinum which is very rare and expensive material. Also, she says all the efforts to replace the platinum have been unsuccessful so far.

shisuwang

9.29综合修改

The professor is skeptical about the idea in the reading passages（最好加上听力中的主要观点 比如， arguing that hydrogen-based fuel-cell engine is not the solution to the replacement of internal-combustion engine）. She lists three main ideas.

First of all, in the reading, it says(is said应该更好) that petroleum is a finite resource and will be used out. But for the hydrogen, it cannot easily be depleted. On the contrary, the professor argues that using hydrogen is not a practical solution. For the hydrogen is not easily available, because  it is very difficult to produce and store hydrogen. In addition, it needs a very cold situation which is not available for common use.

（本段听力与阅读的relationship出现差错了，听力中承认传统内燃机利用finite resources的事实，反驳的点在于hydrogen不易获得。所以即使要涉及阅读细节也要写...has plentiful resources...然后再根据听力内容进行反驳。）

Second, the professor refutes the claim in the reading that hydrogen-based fuel cells can solve pollution problems. She points out that producing hydrogen can cause more pollution, because people must get （consume应该更好） energy to create it. However, （此句是原因，逻辑词应为顺承。）the main source energy is from burning coal and oil which makes the pollution problems more serious. (可以改为： In other words, producing hydrogen by burning huge amount of coal and oil will make the pollution problems even worse.)

Finally, although（我觉得although用来连接听力跟阅读里的观点有些怪怪的， contradicting会更好些吧。）the passage suggests that fuel-cell engines can be economically competitive, the professor disagrees with this idea. She indicates that such an advantage is undermined by the fact that (我觉得这句relationship写的特别好 ：）)fuel-cell engines are extremely expensive to manufacture because they require the addition of platinum which is very rare and expensive material. Also, she says all the efforts to replace the platinum have been unsuccessful so far.

希望对你有用啦：）