【写作小分队】小雪的作文贴~

婷婷connie

4.21 独立改文
4月21日 独立作文
110319NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.

The impact that movies and television shows make on the way people behave(people's behaviors) can never be over-emphasized. Media has become the major method for people to acquire information,(可以不要)as well as the young people. There is much conjecture over whether plots in the movies and TV plays are leading the young in a positive way or a negative way. Both sides have plenty of cases to argue against the other. In my view, it does not require great intelligence to ascertain the existence of both and we know how to take advantage of this double-edged sword.

Nowadays, young people do not study only through the word written in books any more. The advanced technology, such as photography, motion picture, sound recording, can record the reality in a realer way. Even some places from the deep ocean to outer space where common people had never dreamed about are shown on the screen. The amount of the knowledge is rapidly increasing, so as the regions(ranges). Young people are easier to find what they are interested in by watching variety of natural programs, documentaries, or （and）educational programs. Take myself for example;( I decided to study architecture after I saw the movie Inception. Building cities in the dream is so fantasy that I want to build what I want in the reality, to be an architect.

However, it is undeniable that the negative effects of movies and television mislead many young people's behavior. Many cartoons and soap TV plays are useless to watch. Children will become numb if they watching TV for a long time without thinking. It is not just a waste of time; it impedes the(both physical and)mental development. Moreover, the violent(and pornographic )images in movies, soap operas, as well as cartoons and some adult programs always introduce children to subject matters which are not appropriate for their innocent minds, causing early-maturing or antisociality. For example, a kid who always watches violent televisions is prone to be desensitized for this(this 指代不明)and becomes a violent adult in the future. Since we know the cause and effect, parents should avoid their children seeing these kinds of movies and televisions, and behave themselves.

In brief, the argument over whether movies and television is bad for young people should be
definitely swayed by what children are viewing. Under the responsibility of parents, children should be benefit a lot from the good movies and programs, and avoid from negative effects.


Conclusion:小雪写得很棒啦，从正反方面展开的观点，词汇、句式都很不错。稍微再注意一下小细节就可以了，值得学习~

stefaniewyh

4月22独立
110115 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The main role of the university professor is to educate students rather than to do research.


Some students complain that professors are too addicted in researches to give enough attention to students. On one hand, their complaints are reasonable for the fact that some professors do abandon their educational task to some degree. On the other hand, it is undeniable that students could benefit a lot from professors' researches.Personally speaking, I think professors should spend more time on researching if they are able to accomplish the syllabus.


Professors in universities are a group of innovators who can greatly change the world and our lives. Their researches are more close to our daily life comparing to the research conducted by scientific institutions. We can see many researches about physical health and new cures of diseases from Harvard and Princeton in newspapers or websites, advanced technologies invented by MIT and Stanford, in newspapers or websites. Millions of people could be benefit from these researches. Therefore, we should encourage professors to spend more time on researches.


Moreover, differ from scientists in the scientific institution, professors can impart their knowledge and experience to their students, the next generation which will become the builder of the prospective society. In common sense, the most efficient way for students to become experienced is practicing with their professor in researches, learning the way in which professors work, conducting with the first-hand experience. Contrary to the ideal situation, if professors only know the knowledge written in books and make no efforts on researches, they will be abandoned by the development of the society. More subsequent questions will impact us. What can they teach? Are they still capable to teach? Are they misleading students? I believe no one want to be a student of such kind of professor.


However, we must think highly of the negative effect that the increase of time spent in research means the decrease in education. The critical point is the balance between efforts professors make to the research and the instruction. I believe it is possible to make a win-win deal. On one hand, professors have to take both obligations to be responsible. On the other hand, student must be understanding about their professors and take advantage of this resource.


In brief, it is not fair to be so critical to professors because what they are doing is beneficial to the society and students. Conclusively, researching underlying teaching will be appropriate considering both positive and negative effects.

Herisson0509

The author of the passage claims that the growth of human population and the consequential growing in agriculture and pesticide should take the responsibility for the decline of birds. However, the professor denounces in the lecture that the explanation in the passage is unreasonable.

Firstly, the lecture admits that some kinds of natural habitats have been destroyed to make the use of housing, but the there are lots of better and larger habitats have been constructed for the other kinds of birds. Therefore, some kinds of birds live in the new habitats safely and reproduce successfully.这句听力里面没有提到的哦Some populations may shrink, but others will grow，which differs from the statement in the reading that birds' natural habitats will continue to disappear because human populations and settlements continue to expand. 要对比一下文章与讲座的不同。

Secondly, the author blames the increasing farm land for occupying habitats of birds. On the contrary, the professor points out that thanks to the development of biological science, the more productive crops have been cultured, so that there will be less area for farming. Moreover, the truth is that the farm land is decreasing year by year in the recent years. These new crops produce more food, and so there’s no need to destroy wilderness areas.加上这句要不然没有说服力This proves that the assertion of the author is fault.

Thirdly, the lecturer challenges the author's claim that the pesticide kills the birds directly and indirectly. According to the lecture, now there are two methods to solve the author's concern. The first one is that new pesticide which is less harmful to the birds has been developed. The second one is the development of a new type of crop that can resist pests and do not harm birds. The use of this type of crops could dramatically reduce the use of chemical pesticides.这一段细节听的很好结尾最好对比一下文章与讲座的不同之处。



In conclusion

1.细节欠缺

2.缺少对比之处

3.多看看范文会有帮助的

加油

daisyの小夢想

4.22 独立

Some students complain that professors are too addicted in(to)researches to give enough attention to students. On one hand, their complaints are reasonable for the factthat some professors do abandon their educational task to some degree. On the other hand, it isundeniable that students could benefit a lot from professors'researches. Personally speaking, I think professors should spend more time onresearching if they are able to accomplish the syllabus(课程大纲?我觉得改成ensure the quality oftheir classes比较贴切一点).

Professors in universities are a group of innovatorswho can greatly change the world and our lives. Their researches are more closeto our daily life comparing to the research conducted by scientificinstitutions. We can see many researches about physical health and new cures ofdiseases from Harvard and Princeton in newspapers or websites, (+and) advanced technologiesinvented by MIT and Stanford, in newspapers or websites. Millions of peoplecould be benefit from theseresearches. Therefore, we should encourage professors to spend more time onresearches.

Moreover, differ from(differingfrom) scientists in the scientific institution, professorscan impart their knowledge and experience to their students, the nextgeneration which(who) will become thebuilder of the prospective society. In common sense, the most efficient way forstudents to become experienced is practicing with their professor inresearches, learning the way in which professors work, (+and) conducting with the first-hand experience. Contraryto the ideal situation, if professors only know the knowledge written in booksand make no efforts on researches, they will be abandoned by the development ofthe society. More subsequent questions willimpact(可以改为affect或influence)us. What can they teach? Are they stillcapable to teach (capable of teaching)? Are they misleadingstudents? I believe no one wants to be a student of suchkind of professor.

However, we must think highly of the negative effectthat the increase of time spent in research meansthe decrease (+of devotion) in education. The critical point is thebalance between efforts professors make to the research and the instruction.I believe it is possible to make a win-win deal. On one hand, professors have to take both obligations to be responsible.On the other hand, student must be understanding about (understand) their professors and take advantage of this resource.

In brief, it is not fair to be so critical toprofessors because what they are doing is beneficial to the society andstudents. Conclusively, researching underlying teaching will be appropriateconsidering both positive and negative effects.


很赞的一篇文章。思路连贯清晰，考虑了多方面的因素，很有说服力。句子表达也很好~

stefaniewyh

4月23日

20110211NA

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and led them learn from their own mistakes.

It is understandable that watching their children making mistakes and getting hurt is too despairing for parents. Some parents will do their best to prevent children from doing any mistake and take everything relevant to their kids under control. Some parents are ready to see their children learning from their own mistakes. There is much conjecture over whether parents should allow their children to make mistakes. As for me, I completely agree with the statement. Children will benefit substantially from mistakes made by themselves.

In the growth of a child, the role parent play should be a guide rather than a protector. What children should learn from a young age is the ability to survive and make a living after they are mature enough to be independent from parents. To be mature is a process of making mistakes, milling from every shock and overcoming difficulties as a stronger man. What children learn from this process are the courage to take the consequences and the capability to make up the mistake. Moreover, in this process, the positive encouragement from parents is important to children. Meanwhile, parents must ensure that children will not make the same mistake again.  

Unfortunately, the enormous care from many parents overwhelms children's opportunities making mistakes. There are more and more reports about doting children, such as bad manners, ridiculous utterances, antisociality and suicide.  The reason of their behavior is that they are too fragile and immature under their parents' care and protection. Should not parents be responsible about their tragedies? It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact.

In addition, allowing children to make mistakes does not mean letting them alone to make any mistake. Some mistakes are not allowed to make because the consequence is too serious. Can parents watch their children being addicted to drugs? Can parents not stop their children from murdering someone for revenge? Can parents wait their girls who play with crooks coming home after she has learnt the lesson? I believe no parents could bear their children going wrong ways like these. Therefore, what mistake children should be allowed to make is left to the judgment of the parents' intelligence and responsibility.

In brief, although some mistakes with severe consequences are not allowed to make, children should be encouraged to learn through trials and errors. This is a efficient way for a child to become a responsible, tenacious and independent adult. After all, parents could not protect their children forever.

易雨水巷

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and led them learn from their own mistakes.
红色为错误，蓝色为疑问or建议，绿色为点评，高亮为精彩！
It is understandable that watching their children making mistakes and getting hurt is (are? and连结了两个短语呢) too despairing（这个词是有绝望的，失望的意思，但是偏绝望的，个人认为用在这里是不是有点小过了？建议改用糟糕的，parents feel terrible watching their children…） for parents. Some parents will do their best to prevent children from doing any mistake and take everything relevant to their kids under control. (+on the other hand 之类的连接词？)Some parents are ready to see their children learning from their own mistakes. There is much conjecture over （我以前一直用debate/discussion呢，如果conjecture 也可以这样用，那就又学到新词新用法了\(^o^)/~）whether（+or not） parents should allow their children to make mistakes. As for me, I completely agree with the statement. Children will benefit substantially(学习O(∩_∩)O) from mistakes made by themselves. (建议合为一句呢 the statement（ that）children will benefit substantially… )

In the growth of a child, the role parent play should be a guide rather than a protector. What children should learn from a young age is the ability to survive (感觉加点competitive environment 之类的比较好呢)and make a living after they are mature enough to be independent from parents. To be mature is a process of making mistakes, milling from every shock and overcoming difficulties as a stronger man（感觉 as a stronger man 可以去掉）. What children learn from this process are the courage to take the consequences and the capability to make up the mistake.（连用了两个what children learn from…可以变换个句式，比如，it is the courage to take the consequences and the capability to make up the mistake that are what children learn from this process） Moreover, in this process, the positive encouragement from parents is important to children. Meanwhile, parents must ensure that children will not make the same mistake again. (感觉这段理论论述比较强，但缺乏例子支持，detail)

Unfortunately, the enormous care from many parents overwhelms children's opportunities making mistakes. There are more and more reports about doting children, such as bad manners, ridiculous utterances, antisociality(anti-sociality) and (可适当换成as well as, and 太多了不好哦)suicide.  The reason of their behavior (the reason for their behavior  S 其实个人建议如果不是因为凑字数的话，for their behavior 是完全可以去掉的) is that they are too fragile and immature under their parents' care and protection. Should not parents be responsible about （be responsible for） their tragedies? It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact.

In addition, allowing children to make mistakes does not mean letting them alone to make any mistake. Some mistakes are not allowed to make because the consequence is too serious. Can parents watch their children being addicted to drugs? Can parents not stop their children from murdering someone for revenge? Can parents wait their girls who play with crooks coming home after she has learnt the lesson? (感觉这句话有点别扭啊，但不晓得咋改o(╯□╰)o)I believe no parents could bear their children going wrong ways like these. Therefore, what mistake children should be allowed to make is left to the judgment of the parents' intelligence and responsibility.

In brief, although some mistakes with severe consequences are not allowed to make, children should be encouraged to learn through trials and errors. This is a（an） efficient way for a child to become a responsible, tenacious and independent adult. After all, parents could not protect their children forever.
To小雪：易雨水巷第一次给人改作文，有做的不好的地方希望小雪见谅O(∩_∩)O~
1.小雪基本上都是理论论述哦，缺乏例子呢，details 这一项的要求不知道会不会符合
2.小雪用了过多的what children should learn from…除了我指出的那个地方后面发现又用了，可以灵活变换一下句式，或者说最好不要连着用同一个句式
3.小雪的词组搭配还需要加强一下
4.anyway ,小雪的词汇量灰常丰富，学到很多O(∩_∩)O~

stefaniewyh

写作大本营第一期的老学员回归，三战托福。以二战承蒙鸟妈照顾，现在希望新战友们拍砖！
It is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them.

There are many kinds of considerations or factors people may take into account in a friendship. Some people may be platonic to make friends on the purpose of having fun, while some other people may be pragmatic to choose friends that will help each other. Undeniably, we cannot define which one is superior over the other, since this is a matter of interest. However, I would like to choose friends who can support mutually in any plight.


First of all, friends might be the second intimate with us while the first is parents and kins undoubtedly. When we are apart with parents or have something could not been told with parents, it is a relief to have truly friend beside, helping us to overcome the difficulties and survive from hard times. Take myself as an instance. I went to an university far from my hometown for five years. During these years, I had my birthdays, Mid-autumn festivals and Dongzhi Festival without my parents and relatives. It should suppose to be tough to spend the festivals alone in a distant place, but my roommates and some close friends always remembered inviting me to their homes or bringing some snakes for me to celebrate together with me. Their geniality is the panacea for my nostalgia. How grateful should I be for having such great friends?


In addition, although I concede that sharing happiness is the first step to close the relationship, it is not the radical method to maintain the relationship. Well, an old Chinese saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed" tells us what a truly friendship would be. We can see many vivid cases in our daily life that two closed friends sticking with each other every day finally break up when one of them get a serious trouble. Therefore, to avoid this kind of situation, we should not make friends only by congeniality.


However, choosing friends only for benefit is not favorable as well. It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact that too utilitarian cannot deserve true friendship in return. When we want assistance from friends, we should be well prepared to help them at anytime. For example, I used to have a roommates who is a little apathy. At first we were willing to help her when she needed, but after a period of time, we found she was very reluctant and always refuted us when we asked her to do a favor.As a result, I was not so close with her as with the rest of my roommates, so as them.


In conclusion, everybody have different criteria for sorting friends and variable categories for friends. I advocate that sharing something in common can make it easier to develop a relationship, and always supporting each other can make the relationship solid and last long. No matter in which way you choose a friend, I believe that sincerity is always a key to any relationships.

stefaniewyh

According to the reading material, three reasons are given to expound the decrease of yellow cedar in northwestern North America. However, the lecturer shows us three further evidencesto illustrate his standpoints that none of them are accurate and the real reason are still unknown, which is strongly opposed to what have been stated in the reading material.


In the first place, the author argues that the insect parasites, such as the cedar bark beetle, whose larvae feed on wood, should be blamed for the trees' decline. However, the lecturer claims that this is not the fact because healthy trees can secrete chemicals to resist the attack from the beetles. In fact, the trees ate by beetles are dying or died. As a result, the insect parasites cannot impact healthy yellow cedars.


In addition, the lecturer also challenges the author's claim that brown bears' aggressive feeding habits damage the trees severely enough to cause the descent in population. Although the lecturer admits that the attack from bears can destroy some trees, it cannot impact all trees. To substantiate his statement, the lecturer provides a piece of evidence that the trees on an island without bears also declined as the mainland with bears did. The second reason cited in the reading material can be falsified by this evidence directly.


At last, as for the author's third reason that climate changes, particularly the frozen root damage effects the yellow cedars extensively. On the contrary, the lecturer indicates that the incidence of dead tree in high elevation where is cold is less than in low elevation where is warm, while as the theory of the author, the compare result should be reversed. Therefore, the lecture comes to a conclusion that the climate changes have some mal-influence on the growth of yellow cedars but it is not the reason to kill them.


In conclusion, the lecturer holds a skeptical attitude towards the argument in the reading material and cites more evidences to dispute. The statement of the lecturer that there is no reason for the decrease of yellow cedars contradicts with the central standpoint of the reading.

stefaniewyh

The most important investment of a company is to improve the skills of its employees.



Almost all entrepreneurs usually expect employees to make great profit for them, but probably draw back when they were asked to invest on employees. Their decisions are acceptable but not provident, especially in the modern business world as far as I can tell. The advantages of investment to improve the workers' skill would overwhelm its defects.


In many famous modern enterprises, managers become aware of the importance of improving the working skills of the workers and invest more on relevant trainings and activities because it is beneficial for employees as well as employers. For employees, these trainings not only enhance working skills and experiences, but also instigate them to get a sense of affiliation and responsibility to the company, everyone to be more incentive to work. Meanwhile, for employers, this potential investment creates a harmonious working atmosphere and positive enterprise culture, which is a significant attraction for job hunters. In conclusion, it is a win-win relationship.


Admittedly, it is plausible that job-hopping is one of the concerns of employers, so they don't want to take the risk of losing both money and talents.Whereas the worker is beyond reproach for leaving to chase better job but the company should introspect why the work are reluctant to stay. The question can be dug into the enterprise atmosphere or culture which i have argued previously can be better build up by the investment for works' skill training. It does not require great intelligence to ascertain that this is a virtuous cycle. The geniality of enterprises, caring about the development of employees, will not only attract but also keep more works.


In addition, I also concede that there are many other investments the manager should concern, such as the working condition and facility. These equipments are the basic for the company that would help workers to work efficiently and flawlessly, and take advantage of workers' potential. However, talents are much more difficult to find and cultivate than the materials.Even the most advanced device would be a bulk of metal trash if no one can use it. How precious it is for a company to have a group of elites in the modern business competition. Therefore, managers should pay more attention on the personnel cultivation.


To sum up, investing employees is a favorable management strategy with predictable potential influence on the development of companies. This win-win tactic and virtuous cycle should be appreciated by all entrepreneurs.

婷婷connie

9.19 独立
It is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them.
红色错误，蓝色讨论，高亮精彩
There are many kinds of considerations or factors people may take into account in（这里没有必要吧） a friendship. Some people may be platonic to make friends on the purpose of having fun, while some other people may be pragmatic to choose friends that will help each other. Undeniably, we cannot define which one is superior over the other, since this is a matter of interest.（这句话怎么理解，感觉有点没有逻辑） However, I would like to choose friends who can support mutually in any plight.


First of all, friends might be the second intimate with us while the first is parents and kins undoubtedly. When we are apart with parents or have something could not been told with parents, it is a relief to have truly friend beside, helping us to overcome the difficulties and survive from hard times. Take myself as an instance. I went to an university far from my hometown for five years. During these years, I had my birthdays, Mid-autumn festivals and Dongzhi（冬至？建议换个通俗点的吧） Festival without my parents and relatives. It should suppose to be(留一个) tough to spend the festivals alone in a distant place, but my roommates and some close friends always remembered inviting me to their homes or bringing some snakes（snacks） for me to celebrate together with me. Their geniality is the panacea for my nostalgia. How grateful should I be for having such great friends?


In addition, although I concede that sharing happiness is the first step to close the relationship, it is not the radical method（这里很严谨） to maintain the relationship. Well, an old Chinese saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed" tells us what a truly friendship would be. We can see many vivid cases in our daily life that（这个从句太突然了，可以先specifically, 然后举这个例子） two closed friends sticking with each other every day finally break up when one of them get a serious trouble. Therefore, to avoid this kind of situation, we should not make friends only by congeniality.这一段感觉例子不太生动，建议加点detail,比如什么问题，为什么会break up，因为嫌麻烦之类的


However, choosing friends only for benefit(这个有点，因为have fun也是一种benefit,这里改成their assistance更好) is not favorable as well. It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact that too utilitarian cannot deserve true friendship in return. When we want assistance from friends, we should be well prepared to help them at anytime. For example, I used to have a roommates who is a little apathy. At first we were willing to help her when she needed, but after a period of time, we found she was very reluctant and always refuted us when we asked her to do a favor.As a result, I was not so close with her as with the rest of my roommates, so as them（这里重复了）.


In conclusion, everybody have different criteria for sorting friends and variable categories for friends. I advocate that sharing something in common can make it easier to develop a relationship, and always supporting each other can make the relationship solid and last long. No matter in which way you choose a friend, I believe that sincerity is always a key to any relationships.

这一段没有点明你的观点，看起来是两种都喜欢，真挚最重要。建议把之前的复述一下吧。



Conclusion：

1.词汇量惊人啊，感觉有很多G的单词

2.语言很好，但是有少许地方重复了，注意删掉

3.结尾再polish一下吧，让它更有侧重点~