【写作小分队】prodliu 作文，欢迎拍砖啊，越多越好

prodliu

Recently, many newtechnological devices are released to public such as ipad and iphone and thatsurges many people to stay up late only to buy one. Well, sometimes, owing anewly released device could make a person fashion and looked different. But inmy opinion, there are some disadvantages in these technological devices, and Iprefer to own one until it is popular.
First of all, I just thinkthat we need to consider others’ opinions before buying something, cause peoplewho have used the device that you want to buy could give you some beneficialadvices, for example, they may tell you the characteristics, the performancesand the functions about the device that could help you to make a smartdecision. While in some cases, you may experience a situation that you buy adevice with a surge of impulsion and then are regretful for such a unwisedecision.
Moreover, some newly releaseddevices will appear flaws in design or function, and it is really inconvenientand annoying to sent device back for repairing. So, we had better wait to buyuntil some problems within the devices are tackled, in case we will not evolvedin troublesome. For instance, we could find some suggests on the Internet tosee evaluations made by other people and then decide whether to buy or not.
Admittedly, owning a newtechnological device when it becomes available could make your fashion, and youwill enjoy many advanced techniques, but it also needs you to take risks whileyou are enjoying some advantages of the device. Thus, it would better to buy adevice until it becomes popular.
Finally, some more attractiveapplications would be released during a period of time, so if you want to makefully use of the device, you need to control your curiosity and wait till moreinteresting applications are programed that make your life convenient.
To sum up, new technologicaldevices are pretty crucial and useful for people, they could release jobburden, make life amazing, and add more fun into daily life, but they stillcontain risks. So it is wise to buy as many people have one.

jiaosisisisi

Life in ancient time wasextremelyhard for people and there used to be no heatings in the winter, no cars to go further, or even no intermedia to communicate with other people.Thanks to the great inventions, such asair-conditioners, automobiles and cell phones, etc.They have significantly changed people's lives. From my view, though science and technology develop in a high speed, the most significant improvements have already happened.



The airconditioner, as far as I'm concerned,has becomeone of the most important inventionstoimprovepeople's living conditions in the past 100 years.It is a high-tech machine which can be controlled to adjust the temperature to make people feel comfortable only in a couple of minutes. By setting it to a lower temperature, we can have a even cooler summer day instead of waving fans orwiping sweat.Likewise, a central heating provides people an easy access to enjoying a warm winter without burning coals. For the great convenience and powerful functions, air-conditioners are widely accepted by a majority of people and make signCificantcontributionstoimprovingpeople's living standard,though they will beproduced moremultifunctionalwith the development of technology in the future.
Also, carshavesucceeded in making surprising improvements in people's lives. As we all know, cars, which include taxis, trucks, buses and so on, haveadaptedto(satisfied会不会好一些)all sorts of requirements in the modern society. We couldnever haveimagined that one day we can reach everywhere we want with the help of automobiles freely.（我理解你的汉语意思是“之前的野人们，根本就没敢想过，他们居然可以做汽车到处跑”你的虚拟语气使用错了，可以肯定。
我建议一种表达However ，our ancestors would never imagined that  they should （shoud可以表示惊讶的语气）be able to reach everywhere with a tool called “car "）For example， In Han Dynastywhen there werenocars,people made use of horses as a kind of transportationand had to tolerate theinconvenience.At that time, it usuallytookpeopleas long asa few days（我建议你用as long as 就是希望你可以把时间看起来非常漫长，来支撑你的论述！所以用a few就与long 矛盾了，建议用several）toreport the situation of the war to the emperor,thus,soldiershad to wait for the permission from the general to attack enemies. The delays often led to missing the best opportunityof fighting againstthe enemies. However, cars have shortened the time spending in the long-distance places and accelerated people's connections.

Furthermore, the more frequent and swifter communication among people benefited from cell phones is another improvement taken place.(纠结是因为，第一个形容词是the more 表示形容词比较极and后连接的adj又是er表示，很容易让人误会，而且我感觉到你这句是一个show off 句型，但是让人感觉，或者 至少，我读了三遍没有读懂。ETS 不喜欢puzzled的句子吧。。。或者是我的理解问题。。。)Unlike  （GMAT语法认为like 或者unlike必须连接与主句对等成分的东西，我理解你的意思是表达，eg. Unlike Jim,Rose is a idiot!）making use of doves to deliver messages or making fires as signals, cell phones changed people's lives in an unbelievable way. In just a few seconds, a friend from the opposite site of the world is able to accept our texting message sent by our cell phones. How fantastic the cell phones are!Just as the advertisement of Iphone 4Ssays, mobile phones actually "changed the world for a second time".

Admittedly, we haveabundantconfidence in the prospective development of science and technology.(这个地方有异议所以没有改)However, the most significantimprovementsindeed have taken place in changing people's living conditions, transportations and communications.

jiaosisisisi

囧了  不能删。。。。发错了  
sorry ~~~~

chasedreamabc

我还以为有人把我的活干了呢。。。。

?    Recently, many new technological devices are released to public such as ipad and iphone（名词裸奔了，加冠词或者复数） and that surges（小细节） many people to stay up late only to buy one. Well, sometimes, owing（owing有两个意思adj. 未付的；欠着的v. 欠；把…归功于）
anewly（newly？我猜想是这个） released device could make a person fashion and looked（动词不平行，前面是make） different. But in my opinion, there are some disadvantages in these technological devices（awkward）, and I prefer to own one until it is popular.
First of all, I just think that we need to consider others’ opinions before buying something, cause（because） people who have used the device that （which）you want to buy could（书面语法中could只表示时态can） give you some beneficial advices, for example, they（逻辑指代people 语法指代advices） may tell you the characteristics, the performances and the functions about the device that could help you to make a smart decision. While in some cases, you may experience a situation that you buy device（裸奔了） with a surge of impulsion and then are regretful for such a unwise decision.
Moreover, some newly released devices will（would吧，已经发布的产品可能会出现问题，站在过去说将来） appear flaws in design or function, and it is really inconvenient and annoying to sent device（又裸了） back for repairing（GMAT语法中表目的用 to do ）. So, we had better wait to buy until some problems within the devices are tackled（问题解决还是用solve ）, in case we will not evolved in troublesome. For instance, we could find some suggests（这个是动词） on the Internet to see evaluations made（出现连个动词，不如在made前面加which） by other people and then decide whether to buy or not.
Admittedly, owning a new technological device when it becomes available could make your （you）fashion, and you will enjoy many advanced techniques, but it also needs you to take risks while （when 是不是更好）you are enjoying（直接enjoy吧和前面平行） some advantages of the device. Thus, it would better to buy device（裸奔+拼写错误，拼写已经改正） until it becomes popular.
Finally, some more attractive applications would be released during a period of time, so if you want to make fully use of（句型是make full use of） the device, you need to control your curiosity and wait till more interesting applications are programed（双写+ed） that make your life convenient.
To sum up, new technologicaldevices are pretty crucial and useful for people, they could release jobburden, make life amazing, and add more fun into daily life, but they stillcontain risks. So it is wise to buy as many people have one.

prodliu

Recently, many newtechnological devices are released to public such as  the ipad and the iphone that surges many people to stay up late only to buy one. Well, sometimes, buying a newly released device could make a person fashion and looked different(这里想用make sb adj). But in my opinion, these technological devices have some hidden troubles, and I prefer to own one until it is popular.
First of all, I just thinkthat we need to consider others’ opinions before buying something, because peoplewho have used the device that you want to buy can give you some beneficialadvices, for example, people may tell you the characteristics, the performancesand the functions about the device that could help you to make a smartdecision. While in some cases, you may experience a situation that you buy a device with a surge of impulsion and then are regretful for such a unwise decision.
Moreover, some newly released devices would appear flaws in design or function, and it is really inconvenient and annoying to sent the device back to repair. So, we had better wait to buyuntil some problems within the devices are tackled, in case we will not evolvedin troublesome. For instance, we could find some suggestions on the Internet tosee evaluations which made by other people and then decide whether to buy or not.
Admittedly, owning a newtechnological device when it becomes available could make you fashion, and youwill enjoy many advanced techniques, but it also needs you to take risks whileyou are enjoying some advantages of the device. Thus, it would better to buy adevice until it becomes popular.
Finally, some more attractive applications would be released during a period of time, so if you want to make full use of the device, you need to control your curiosity and wait till more interesting applications are programmed that make your life convenient.
To sum up, new technological devices are pretty crucial and useful for people, they could release job burden, make life amazing, and add more fun into daily life, but they still contain risks. So it is wise to buy as many people have one.

prodliu

改了一遍了，大概给个分吧

prodliu

229独立作文
With a rapid development oftechnology, people more industries discharged more contaminated waste into ourenvironment, such as greenhouse gases and polluted water, which can do harmfulto human’s health. In view of the seriousness of these problems, effectivemeasures should be taken before things get worse. Personally, I persist thatthese important problems that are closely related to our lives can be solved inour lifetime as long as we take effort to confront with and to resolve them.
To begin with, I think thatit is our responsibilities to solve these problems. We live on earth, whichprovides everything we want, so we just consume resources unscrupulously. Buthumans seem to fail to take into account the fact that every resource will bedepleted sooner or later, we just make full use of the resource withoutconsidering the outcome when the resource run out of. For example, thepetroleum, the natural gases and the coal are non-renewable resources, and areessential materials for human beings. Our cars need petroleum to be started,and people need gases to cook and warm, if we consume them without awell-planned schedule, we will pay for it in the future. Thus, I believe thatonly if people contemplate the consequence of these problems and spend noeffort to deal with them, we can control the situation and achieve sustainabledevelopment.
Moreover, our technologicalimprovements guarantee us to resolve these problems. Actually, our scientistshave developed some useful methods to find a solution to these problems. Forinstance, scientists discover a kind of bacteria can disintegrate the toxicwaste into water and non-toxic substances. Thus, I can imagine not too far inthe future, we can find ways to protect our environment.
Admittedly, it may take sucha long way to solve these problems, and sometimes many obstacles will block theway to success, however, just as the old saying goes, where there is a will,there is a way, we can overcome the difficulties and cross over the barriersahead of us provided we have the faith.
Finally, we need to solvethese problems for our descendants. We cannot hold the philosophy that it isbest to use the resources while it is still economically profitable to do so,and we need to protect them for our children. If we do not face them and leavethem to the next generation, the situation may become worse that can be adisaster for our descendants. So if we think about our next generation, we willtry our best to solve problems and eventually construct a gorgeous space forour children to live.
To sum up, I have faith indealing with all problems, only if proper measures are taken to restrictdischarging and great efforts are made to achieve goals.

jiaosisisisi

你的文章 ，我改了一半了 。。。。中午可以给你改好啊  
实在抱歉啊
我的已经贴出来了  
在我的 帖子里 ~~~你 抽空可以去看下的  
我们貌似是互改的~~~

jiaosisisisi

229独立作文    我强烈建议你再找下Serena 二次修改下你这篇文章，她非常心细，你去Q里让她帮你改下吧！她作文功底异常强大，让她给你改完， 你一定会收获巨大的 ！！  

好了！下面是我的粗浅意见~~~~

蓝色 表示 我感觉有问题 以及附加我的观点
红色  表示  很不错的，值得我学习的
绿色  表示  感后感

With a rapid development oftechnology, people more industries discharged more contaminated waste into ourenvironment, such as greenhouse gases and polluted water, which canIn view of the seriousness of these problemsdo harmfulto human’s health(do harm to ), effectivemeasures should be taken before things get worse. Personally, I persist thatthese important problems that are closely related to our lives can be solved inour lifetime as long as we take effort to confront with and to resolve them.

(这句太长了，建议断句，可以用几个简单句子比较nice)


To begin with, I think thatit is （is 与后面的复数不一致）our responsibilities to solve these problems. We live on earth, whichprovides everything we want, so we just consume resources unscrupulously. Buthumans seem to fail to take into account （考虑，用得很不错~~~赞）the fact that every resource will bedepleted sooner or later, we just make full use of the resource withoutconsidering the outcome when the resource run out of（of 后面没有宾语了，所以建议去掉of）. For example, thepetroleum, the natural gases and the coal are non-renewable resources,（这个表达很不错）and areessential materials for human beings. Our cars need petroleum to be started（建议尽量用主动句表达会舒服点）,and people need gases to cook and warm, if we consume them without awell-planned schedule, we will pay for it in the future. Thus, I believe thatonly if people contemplate the consequence of these problems and spend noeffort（spare no

Effort 用的比较多） to deal with them, we can control the situation and achieve sustainabledevelopment.

（看你写了这么多，应该花了不少功夫吧！赞一下~

不过貌似华丽词汇其实没必要非常多，意思可以尽简单地表达出来会更好！

而且注意篇幅，你这一段其实写的字数已经很多了）


Moreover, our technologicalimprovements guarantee us to resolve （resolve表示决心比较多，这里用solve比较nice）these problems. Actually, our scientistshave developed some useful methods to find a solution to these problems. Forinstance, scientists discover a kind of bacteria can disintegrate the toxicwaste into（  into 表示一个动作的方向，我觉得如果表示方位in 比较好） water and non-toxic substances. Thus, I can imagine not too far inthe future, we can find ways to protect our environment.（这句有点chinglish，如果是我会这样写，

Thus ,it won't be too long for us to find effective ways to protect our environment .）


Admittedly, it may take sucha long way to solve these problems, and sometimes many obstacles will block theway to success, however, just as the old saying goes, where there is a will,there is a way, we can overcome the difficulties and cross over the barriersahead of us provided we have the faith.(这一段在文中的作用感觉没有那么necessary，建议可以把观点尽量明晰)


Finally, we need to solvethese problems for our descendants. We cannot hold the philosophy that it isbest to use the resources while it is still economically profitable to do so,and we need to protect them for our children. （前两句感觉是在表达一个意思，希望可以精简下）If we do not face them and leavethem to the next generation, the situation may become worse that can be adisaster for our descendants. So if we think about our next generation, we willtry our best to solve problems and eventually construct a gorgeous space forour children to live.


To sum up, I have faith indealing with all problems, only if proper measures are taken to restrictdischarging and great efforts are made to achieve goals.



评语：

Zan :你的词汇量很大啊，很多华丽辞藻我都不会啊~~~学习！

挑毛病：firstly，你的文章貌似结构如果能够更清晰的话，就好了。

       Secondly，你的字数统计超过450+，我觉得貌似有点多了吧一般 三百多是比较合适的~~~    

       Finally，记得写提纲，多多练习，加油吧！



P.S,能不能弱弱问下 你这篇文章 写完用了多久时间呢。。。

prodliu

是在很不好意思，前几天我一直在忙着写论文，所以没上网，这么久才回你， 229那篇我都是按规定时间写的，因为之前考过了，所以写的比较快。 还有就是我觉得最好还是有一个让步过渡段，就是admittedly那段，这样文章更具说服力和完整，因为不管我们同意还是不同意观点，都会有反例的，说的全面一些更好。谢谢指点